Matrix, thank you. Your position and advice are invaluable to me. I truly want to move forward in this life with my H. I want to wholeheartedly understand him and forgive him (and more so, I want to understand and forgive myself). This is for many, many reasons. It is not just because it is the right thing to do, because it's better for my kids, our finances, and because of the connection we had before. It is a spiritual journey of sorts for us both. We both want to fully look within ourselves, and each other, and be willing to change for the better. I think if we both can do that, I believe that our relationship can be better than before.

I appreciate what you say about looking at him across the room and reaching out to him. We both need to relearn affectionate habits with one another. I can say though that enough time has passed, and work has been done, that I don't have strong triggers regarding OW. She, and his R with her, have little to no meaning anymore. As we have dissected our sitch, and continue to understand one another, we have learned that she was a symptom. Neither of us have any respect or put any value on her or our Rs that we had with her. In many ways I pity her, as I think she has very little authenticity in her life.

These are things that have just taken time. I am sorry that you are in the position that you are in and have regrets. That must be difficult. I hope you will continue to post. Everyone here, myself included, can learn a lot from you!

Blueboy, if you read through my threads, you can see that it has been a HUGE struggle for me. The hardest part of my sitch has been understanding and forgiving the betrayal of the OW. It has taken a long time--H has been back for 2 years now and I am starting to feel that I am getting there. We each went to IC and then we also went to MC together for a year. We have read books and tried to gain deeper understanding ourselves and each other. Part of it has also been allowing myself to feel all that I need to in order to move through the process--anger, rage, sadness, devastation, fear, anxiety, etc, etc. You name it, I have felt it.

Part of my healing has been turning to him and seeing his remorse, hearing his apologies, and feeling his ongoing commitment to us over time. I think that only took us so far though. We are in a place now, where we need to do the harder work. That work includes really understanding fundamentally who we are as people, how we feel about who we are, and then having to change the many bad habits that we have developed over the last several years. Many--from negative thinking, to eye rolling, to no affection, etc, AND in front of our kids. For years. I think the tools we have gotten from Retrouvaille are enormously helpful. I truly believe it takes a willingness from both people to do this work. I hope you and your W are both willing to make it work.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela