C-nut, thank you. I think your courage and growth are inspiring. We started posting at around the same time and I feel a connection to you. I still smile when I think of your first threads and how hard we hit you with 2*4s. lol. You took them better than anyone :-)
25, please DO hijack my thread! I have learned so much from you over the years. I recall summer 3 years ago, after H left me for OW. I was on vacation with my children in this beautiful, near perfect, place; sunny and gorgeous day, crystal blue waters, happy kids, etc, etc. There I sat, emaciated from weight loss, restless and anxious from racing thoughts and months of sleepless nights, and as I have said before, I was a shell of a person. My go-to safety net, where I didn't feel entirely lost, were these forums. If you posted it, I made sure to read it. You didn't know, but you got me through some very dark times.
It is because of the vets like you that I am here posting now. I just know that there are 100s or 1000s of readers out there just like us. If anything I share brings them comfort too, then it is all worthwhile. .... Okay, I am way off track now :-)
I watched the Ted talk yesterday and I really enjoyed it. She talked about the importance of vulnerability and that it is necessary (risk) in order to have joy in life. What stuck with me the most is that she talked about our addictive culture and how we numb pain. She said that you cannot only numb pain, but you are also numbing the other emotions, including joy. That made me think. Hard. I have spent a lot of time numbing myself and perhaps that is why I have been so stuck.
I can relate to your example of gambling. I think our vulnerabilities are the chips we have to put on the table if we want to win any prize. When someone has broken our trust or heart, it is that much harder to put the chips down. So now we have to put down all of our chips, and so we have that much more to lose also.
Over the last several years there has been an ongoing match of head verses heart. Rational mind verses emotions. Decisions verses feelings. Really there isn't one winner is there?
For me, what I am learning on this journey is that my heart, feelings, and emotions are constantly changing. Like your blood flowing and your BP, it is never stagnant, and if it is, it will clot off and then the entire system (body) is at risk. When you go into your doc's office and get a BP reading, it does not have much meaning. It is one snap shot in time. If you took 10 readings in a row, they would all be different. That is how I think of our emotions.
My head, rational mind, and my decisions are something that have changed too. However they are not bouncing up and down and all over the place. They are evolving and improving over time. As I grow and learn, I can mold and refine them to suit my needs. They are within my control. I choose to control them and let them win more of the battles. Therefore I trust my decisions over my emotions. Ultimately, it is because of this that my M will survive.
Blu
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
