25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[25yearsmlc]

I will have to start a new thread soon but don't know how to link...Cadet??

Here is something I'm dealing with that is more retrospective but raised by my kids a lot lately. I posted this in reply to Beatrice on Own's thread. So I'm hijacking my own hijack, I think....


The question my children have asked me, more than once, is why I stayed so long after it became clear (to them, anyhow) that h was mistreating me.

This^^^ is a hard thing to hear. It's NOT how great or sacrificial or martyr like it was of me to stay, but how *unhealthy*.

I believed the best case scenario (best for my ego) every chance I had.

Retrovaille was amazingly productive. (I do believe it helps turn marriages around more than any other weekend retreat).

H made a huge painful admission and breakthrough the last day. I believe it was authentic and very hard for him.

And you know what? I let that afternoon of remorse and insight, FUEL ME for years...like it was a bone he threw me (even if authentic on his end) that allowed me to overlook way way too much, later on.

With all 3 of my children giving me feedback, it's clear h wasn't fully invested in the marriage for some time. And that's not to mention the "MLC" crap earlier.
And of course it hurts me as a mother and wife.

H would vacillate and I'd see hope in his confusion & mixed signals. My mistake. Their confusion is Not to be confused with their being good h's. It's more like which exit they want to use and when. OR their deciding if they really want to be married, but that's not what was said or admitted.

In hindsight, I'd see some romantic gesture right after a period of "distance/anger" from h, as an apology. But I don't think so, now.

I think h was effectively treating me like a BF Skinner experiment where you get inconsistent reinforcement; enough to keep you fully invested
even while they are not.

He mistreated me long term and worse, I put up with it.

I do Not think it was to be a martyr - BUT My kids have asked me about that more than once. They want to know why I allowed or 'wanted' to be a victim = being right".

I don't think that's true, but I think it was worse. I think it was largely fear that kept me in, AND the "gambler's syndrome".

(H finally earned a lot of money too, and we had been through years of poverty. -literally below the poverty line the first decade of marriage. So YES I now believe i wanted some emotional AND financial pay off for all my loyalty and effort and TIME.)

I was also afraid of being single, at a subconscious level. I say "subconscious" b/c I know, cognitively, I'm attractive, smart and social. But it's been a very long time since I was single. And with this severe ego blow, years of choices that don't affirm me, it's easy to forget that I'm desirable. Plus i am 10 years older, so there's that.

Anyway, Imagine a gambler in a poker game has been losing all night, off and on. But the House is winning most of the money most of the time.

The gambler keeps playing even as his chips are dwindling. He needs/wants to win a big round , he NEEDS to win a big round to get all the money back and then some... Even in the face of huge losses, he keeps playing & hoping for different results.

because if he walks away from the table after such big losses, it'll mean all that money is lost. That the whole game was for nothing.

I think that^^^ was why I stayed...I didn't want all my years to mean nothing. And I was afraid of divorce. It meant failure, and it meant I had "Lost" and that I was obviously not as valuable (to h) as a JOB or a place...or an OW.

My ego & heart could not grasp or accept^^^^ that.

And now I think that it's just true. H's values/priorities are revealed by his actions.

We are not as important to h, and that is glaringly obvious.

It shocks me that I, 25, an empowered smart woman in other arenas of my life,

would let myself be a fooled doormat for so long.

I spent so much time defending or trying to understand/explain h, to justify MY choices to stay, and deny what was so obvious to others.

H was NOT IN THE MARRIAGE that I was in. H was, effectively a single man w/a wife at home and mothering his kids, like a single mother who cannot date or move on.

I do NOT feel proud of the example I set for my kids. So not proud. On the contrary.

sigh...My main goal as a mother now, is to show my kids how to accept brutal reality & make this a transformative experience in which I rebuild my life favorably.


And yes, I am forgiving myself for my mistakes. I have long life genes, so I'm going to make the most of my 2nd half.