25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[25yearsmlc]

thanks guys

You know I have this neurotic view of the universe about jinxing things by saying them out loud.

(It's not a conscious thing, but some gut level weirdness I cannot rationally defend)

Here I am, taking the risk today!

okay so I know there will be pain and shaking my head moments for HOWEVER long...

but I kind of feel like if the divorce settlement gives me financial freedom,

I admit a growing sense of excited nervousness & optimism towards my future. (And being free from a dishonest lunatic.)

A friend of mine (WAW) told me that in her m, her needs were unmet for a long time. And in fairness, she's right.

She feared letting any OM into her life b/c of how her h would look in HER Eyes...meaning she'd see her m and her h in such a lesser light by being treated kindly by OM.

I understand that more now. I think dating a normal guy who makes me his priority, will be hard to trust at first, then I worry that it will make me regret not getting that sooner.

But that's^^ stinking thinking...

So my rambling point is that yes I look forward to the D being done soon, (if done fairly to me).
I look forward to making choices NOT involving = "how will it look to h if I do this?"

b/c it's soooo freeing when I do.

I immediately get happier & lighter when I feel like he's on Mars and h cannot learn what I'm doing or I cannot hear his voice of disapproval or resentment...

(hey, it's a 37+ year relationship and stream of consciousness from h, that I have to stop hearing.)

SIDENOTE - I do think of h often in conversational ways. Like wondering what he thinks of a political event, or medical breakthrough. It's most those moments I wonder if he ever wonders what I think...

plus I'm damn funny so I have my moments of wondering about that.

But lately I think, "some OM will be glad to hear intelligent wit from me, soon.

Lucky him." And if there's never to be an OM, I still make my loved ones happy and I make myself happy.

Yep, I even laugh out loud at my own jokes. I'd be a great audience for me. I should probably tape my laughs now...