WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[hoosjim]

Well, this is interesting. One week in to "no contact." Cant say for 100% she is maintaining "NC" (I still don't have FB password and, even if I did, there are about 10000 other ways the OM can contact her, particularly on work phone at work and via my W's BFF as a liaison) but she is at least not overtly trying to see the OM. She DID drive by "his" hangout bar on Sunday around midday (it is in a closed/closing strip mall with no other reason to drive in there) but did not go in, so she is/was either not in direct contact with him or else chickened out. She IS somewhat mopey towards me... going to bed extra early, and in the guest room, not the MBR (though she does have back probs and our MBR mattress stinks and that is at least the excuse she is using) and NOT initiating texts to me during the day, which she has almost always done. She is not acting/talking openly hostile towards me, however, though I know from having known her so long that she can easily suppress/internalize negative feelings sometimes and "carry on" as if she is not mad, only letting out that she is when you start a conversation and ask. The most puzzling thing is that she has become MORE active around the house. After BD in January, i had started picking up alot more of the slack around the house (NOT "super husband" or gay butler kind of stuff, just picking up the slack in areas where I had NOT been previously holding up my end... and the house showed it-- I am now at a place where I don't LIKE living in a chaotic/messy house and have gotten the kids to pick up some more of the slack too), but in the past week she has started doing some of the things I had been doing chore-wise. Also, cooking more for the family, etc. All the while still maintaining her distance with the sleeping arrangements. Can't find any examples or case studies like this on the boards or elsewhere. Seems like if she was really mope-y, she should be just sitting around neglecting everything. Certainly not amping up the homemaking. Anyone else ever seen a confronted/busted wayward do this kind of thing?

My plan for now is to keep D-B-ing. Not sure we can yet have any detailed R talks because pretty sure she is not close to "over" the OM, and because I am not sure I trust her, yet. Going to bring up the internet/email/Social media passwords again tonight under the veil of transparency and "why WOULDN't spouses, especially ones trying to rebuild trust, share those?" Still keeping with my GAL-ing... working out regularly outside of the house approx 4 times per week, going out on my own or with friends once. Thinking about adding a class or classes to start learning horses (riding, care, etc.) since I have kind of always wanted to and now think, split or not, that once the kids are out of the house I am going to want to move out of the city and get a bit of land with a horse or two. (Added bonus is that this is something she is interested in, too.) At any rate, wondering if everyone thinks the detachment and "being scarce" bit is still the right play at this point, or if I should be striving to be "around" and "available" a bit more, now, assuming "NC" with the OM and given her demeanor. Invite her out for a "no relationship talk" drink at some point-- no pressure, just blow off some steam?

Also, any other thoughts on moving us into MC? She has no interest in individual therapy (even though I think it would help) but has on a couple of occasions indicated possible receptiveness to Couples counselling (even as she has explicitly said she has no problem doing so as a "box checking" exercise and would be looking at it more as a tool to find out "IF she wanted to try to save the marriage" or "IF she thought it would be possible for her to be happy in the marriage" rather than as a tool to actively and definitively "try to save the marriage." My inclination, based on my "gut", prayer, and the recommendation of some both on this forum and elsewhere (particularly from the Marriage Counselor I trust and whom I intend to go see if we do that) is to try to get her to counselling, absent some compelling argument not to.

As always, thanks to all for all the support here, and all thoughts are warmly appreciated.