Thank you Kaizen. It was only 3 onths but a three months where I guess I made the mistake of allowing him far enough to be a big part of my life. It just felt so good I guess. I let myself feel good. I even felt safe for a while there.
A year is completely unreasonable. I would hate to be in it for a year to find out my kid and partner can't stand eachother. But I just don't know if I can do this again.
I told her yesterday. I picked her up, and yes, her first words were "is FF working? Where is he working today? Is he coming over? how was FF's weekend?" She cried, she was in complete shock, she kept saying "but mommmy, you guys loved eachother so much" She saw our love. I think she was more sad for me than her though. Not too long ago as I was putting her to bed and she said "mommy, I am so happy you are so happy with FF". She also asked that dreaded horrible questions.... "was it my fault?" I said oh no, not at all, it has nothing to do with you, it's all adult problems.
I am worse today than any other day. Maybe because yesterday was our full complete day of non-communication. I can't sleep in my bed, because the last place I saw him was in my bed as I left for work and the kiss goodbye I gave him. There is this awful heaviness in my chest. The no-contact is killing me. My friend thinks its probably killing him too. I don't know.
For now I am trying to keep busy. I really just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. But gym tonight and then to a friends to dinner.
I feel like a fool for believing like he wants to be a part of our family. I learned from on here, and surely my last relationship was to look for actions, not words. The ex-NG had all the words and didn't back up with action. FF showed me all the action for a while there. I told myself it was safe to believe what I was seeing and feeling. WRONG!
he pretty much told me this was a quickly made decision which stinks even more. He's struggling a lot, I know he has been. Of course I was right there for him. But I guess I was really just another one of his issues.
A dear smart friend made a good point. God put a beautiful family right in front of him who cared about him deeply. This family he wants from ground up already had a beautiful foundation built and God said "here ya go, build from here" He is turning away something wonderful. The right guy wouldn't overlook it. I know that.
Thanks for listening to my incessant ramblings these past few days. I am just in shock and pain.
