In search of support or reality check

[sandi2]

She is seeing someone else though, and tells me she likes him.

How quickly did your W start seeing someone after you separated?

I've never been especially supportive or complimentary, and that's the main reason she left. Apparently he is all the things I wasn't.

Supportive in what way?

I'm tempted to tell her that if she's sure that she doesn't want to make any effort to saving our marriage that we might as well file for divorce now.

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I wouldn't say that to her, b/c right now.......her feelings are not swaying toward saving the marriage. However, feelings can change.

I suspect you are pursuing her, and you talk to her about getting back together. That's understandable.........but unfortunately, it can actually work against the chances of saving the marriage.

Seeing her twice a week is too much. How often do you contact her by phone? I suggest for the remaining week you not initiate any contacts. If she contacts you, be polite and speak in a friendly manner, but do NOT mention the marriage. Do not go by to see her. Do not ask her out.

I think it is natural for a male to pursue what he wants, especially a female. However, you see that your pursuit has gotten you nowhere close to saving your M. If you will pull back, I think you will see her contacting you to ask if the two of you are going to do anything together, like usual.

Here's the thing, she wants to experience living apart from you. You will not change her mind by applying emotional pressure. Trying to get her to see a MC, talking about the relationship, etc., are forms of emotional pressure. The more you press, the more you are actually pushing her away.

You are anxious to show her your improvements. Just continue working on them, but do it for you........and not to just get her back. In order for the improvements to stick, you have to live them day in and day out. If you do them just to get her back, they will quickly fall by the wayside and you'll return to the old "you".

Let me share something funny about women. Remember how your W suddenly became so touchy when you showed no great emotion when she said she didn't think the M could be saved? Okay, well that tells me she doesn't really want to lose you. Maybe she doesn't want the M right now, but she isn't ready to turn lose of you. Maybe she is enjoying all the attention you have been giving her. It's kind of like dating again, isn't it?

Sometimes space can cause the other spouse to look more attractive. Sometimes a woman thinks she wants her freedom from the M, until she sees signs that she is actually losing him........then she automatically wants to get closer. He becomes more interesting, and she wants to know where he's been, what he has been doing, and who was with him. If he's smart, he won't give her details about his personal life, he'll just give vague answers. So, you need to get out of your house and get a life (GAL) apart from her. She has given you the perfect opportunity by telling you she did not want to work on the MR. So pull waaaaaaaaaaay back, and give her that space so she can experience what life without you would be for her.

It seems she has another man and tells you she really likes him. There are one of three reasons she would tell you. 1) to discourage you from pressuring her about the M; 2) to make you jealous; or 3) to prepare you in learning her relationship with the other man is serious. Do not show jealousy. Do not compete with him, or do things that appear as if you are competing.

I'm tempted to tell her that if she's sure that she doesn't want to make any effort to saving our marriage that we might as well file for divorce now. I absolutely don't want that, but I don't want to be in this holding pattern either. I'm willing to be patient, but it's apparently not my strong point, and the silence between our communications is deafening.

I have seen couples in physical separations reconcile. It may take as long as a couple of years, or less, but I would be very surprised if she would change her mind just after three months. You have not even given her time to miss you. Right now, she gets to enjoy living like a single person.....and having her husband available, too. You can control how much or how little you are available.

What are the ages of you and wife? Any children?

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