In search of support or reality check

[sandi2]

She is seeing someone else though, and tells me she likes him.

How quickly did your W start seeing someone after you separated?

I've never been especially supportive or complimentary, and that's the main reason she left. Apparently he is all the things I wasn't.

Supportive in what way?

I'm tempted to tell her that if she's sure that she doesn't want to make any effort to saving our marriage that we might as well file for divorce now.

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I wouldn't say that to her, b/c right now.......her feelings are not swaying toward saving the marriage. However, feelings can change.

I suspect you are pursuing her, and you talk to her about getting back together. That's understandable.........but unfortunately, it can actually work against the chances of saving the marriage.

Seeing her twice a week is too much. How often do you contact her by phone? I suggest for the remaining week you not initiate any contacts. If she contacts you, be polite and speak in a friendly manner, but do NOT mention the marriage. Do not go by to see her. Do not ask her out.

I think it is natural for a male to pursue what he wants, especially a female. However, you see that your pursuit has gotten you nowhere close to saving your M. If you will pull back, I think you will see her contacting you to ask if the two of you are going to do anything together, like usual.

Here's the thing, she wants to experience living apart from you. You will not change her mind by applying emotional pressure. Trying to get her to see a MC, talking about the relationship, etc., are forms of emotional pressure. The more you press, the more you are actually pushing her away.

You are anxious to show her your improvements. Just continue working on them, but do it for you........and not to just get her back. In order for the improvements to stick, you have to live them day in and day out. If you do them just to get her back, they will quickly fall by the wayside and you'll return to the old "you".

Let me share something funny about women. Remember how your W suddenly became so touchy when you showed no great emotion when she said she didn't think the M could be saved? Okay, well that tells me she doesn't really want to lose you. Maybe she doesn't want the M right now, but she isn't ready to turn lose of you. Maybe she is enjoying all the attention you have been giving her. It's kind of like dating again, isn't it?

Sometimes space can cause the other spouse to look more attractive. Sometimes a woman thinks she wants her freedom from the M, until she sees signs that she is actually losing him........then she automatically wants to get closer. He becomes more interesting, and she wants to know where he's been, what he has been doing, and who was with him. If he's smart, he won't give her details about his personal life, he'll just give vague answers. So, you need to get out of your house and get a life (GAL) apart from her. She has given you the perfect opportunity by telling you she did not want to work on the MR. So pull waaaaaaaaaaay back, and give her that space so she can experience what life without you would be for her.

It seems she has another man and tells you she really likes him. There are one of three reasons she would tell you. 1) to discourage you from pressuring her about the M; 2) to make you jealous; or 3) to prepare you in learning her relationship with the other man is serious. Do not show jealousy. Do not compete with him, or do things that appear as if you are competing.

I'm tempted to tell her that if she's sure that she doesn't want to make any effort to saving our marriage that we might as well file for divorce now. I absolutely don't want that, but I don't want to be in this holding pattern either. I'm willing to be patient, but it's apparently not my strong point, and the silence between our communications is deafening.

I have seen couples in physical separations reconcile. It may take as long as a couple of years, or less, but I would be very surprised if she would change her mind just after three months. You have not even given her time to miss you. Right now, she gets to enjoy living like a single person.....and having her husband available, too. You can control how much or how little you are available.

What are the ages of you and wife? Any children?

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[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[b77]

Thank you sandi2 for such a thoughtful and detailed reply.

How quickly did your W start seeing someone after you separated?

As best I can tell, about a month after she moved out. She put up an online dating profile right away and was active on it until about a month ago. I know this because I also have a profile on the same site.

Supportive in what way?

Emotional support. I've never really been much of a cheerleader in her eyes. I come from a blue collar poor working class, then military background (though now well educated)... she's absolutely right on this point. I could stand to be more sensitive and cheerful.

I suspect you are pursuing her, and you talk to her about getting back together. That's understandable.........but unfortunately, it can actually work against the chances of saving the marriage.

Somewhat true, but no longer in that desperate kind of way that I did a few weeks ago. I am detaching more from the situation, with a few backslides here and there.
I mostly just want her to see that I'm still an option, and hopefully an improving option.

She's casually indicated that she likes me pursuing her though, which is a major change from several weeks ago. I never really had to do much pursuing when we first started dating... she probably pursued me more than I did her. Still, it may have served it's purpose to show her that I'm not a total basket case anymore, and that I do actually want her. If we do end up getting back together, I'm going to do more to give her that feeling of pursuit, to make her feel wanted, but I guess that will have to wait for now.

I've been calling her about once per week. Same with her calling me. We send several texts per week too, but I have noticed that I almost always end up sending the last text of a conversation before a few days of no contact. I'm going to cut way down on making contact.

A couple other things worth noting: Neither of us view her or I seeing other people as "cheating", though the thought of it does drive me crazy. This is probably my biggest challenge and test of my patience right now. Unfortunately, I've already seen them together in town and I know that he lives very close by. I'm in the trendy part of town with all of the worthwhile bars and restaurants. If I'm going to survive I really do need to detach from the situation. There's a chance that I could end up like TxHubby though and detach all the way. Either way though, some detachment is necessary for self-preservation reasons.

I'm also more introverted in nature, while she's more extroverted. She has some self-esteem issues and needs acceptance, and other than lately, I've never really worried too much about that kind of thing. She likes to go out to clubs, whereas I'd rather do something a little more low-key.

I'm 38, she's 10 years younger. No kids. She also has a better career than I do, and I'm sure that weighs on her attraction to me. Otherwise, I know she at least was very attracted to me, which might have been why I didn't have to pursue her very much at the beginning.

Has anyone ever wondered about the possibility of each spouse playing from a similar game book?

[b77]

This is tough. I really hate the emotional rollercoaster I'm on. I'm getting out, doing things I enjoy, even dating, but still, this just [censored]. It really does seem that without some sort of intervention, she's just going to keep moving on. How do you make someone romantically attracted to you again if they're trying to move on? How do I be an attractive, less risky option with all of the negative emotional baggage she has associated with me? I'm having doubts that less contact will accomplish this. Though I don't know if more will either...

[Jim1234]

How do you make someone romantically attracted to you again if they're trying to move on? How do I be an attractive, less risky option with all of the negative emotional baggage she has associated with me?

b77, we're all on the roller coaster with you, and we all sympathize.

If anyone had the answer to your questions, each thread on this board would only be three posts long... "my marriage is in trouble," "do this," "it worked, thanks!". All I can say is if what you were doing in your marriage wasn't working, do something differently