Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Okay so I think I messed up. Feeling really weak and rubbishy about it.

After getting all brave and telling H that he could come and his stuff from the house anytime he wanted he did text me today and asked if I would leave a key out for him tomorrow. I panicked and said it was too short notice and was he annoyed with me (?). He said he wasn't annoyed he just thought he would pick up a few bits. So really at that point I should have said 'okay' but I went into why after making a huge decision to leave me he has just sat back and let me make all the decisions so it looks like I am the one pushing things forward. He said he didn't think I was pushing things and that he didn't really need to get his stuff. So I responded that I am trying to be brave but that it is killing me (ugh). He just said don't worry and that he doesn't need to get anything and then asked me about godson's birthday.

I feel like he is keeping me sweet because of D. I think if it wasn't for her he would have lost patience over my flakyness a long time ago. I need to pull myself together. He doesn't want to be with me. It's over and I NEED to let go for my own sanity...

I have prepared a text to send him and wondered what your thoughts were:

"No, I have to be brave. I have to respect your wishes and your feelings. This situation is not what I want but I realise that you needed to leave to be happy because I was making you said. I care about you enough to want what is best for you and if this makes you happy then I accept it. I always held a little bit of hope that you left your things here because you are still unsure of how you feel but now I realise that was foolish of me. These are your belongings and they belong with you. The reason why I have found it so hard is because you taking your stuff from here symbolises for me the last intimate links we have to each other. Anyway, I left the key for you in the usual place. Take care"

I feel like such an idiot! This goes to show that maybe I am not ready to be making decisions like this. Maybe I shouldn't send that text but does it make me look like I'm flip-flopping all over the place?! Ugh!!