Flotsam

[25yearsmlc]

Imagine just for 3 minutes what YOU would feel like, if you were in your h's shoes, (and with the bravery you have shown inwardly).

Imagine how it would feel to own the pain you inflicted on others, the broken agreements and collateral damage,

AND imagine then, that you were to face the work ahead just to be on "decent terms" with those hurting people, suspecting & fearing that down deep, you'll never be very close.

Imagine how much work it would take to repair the r's, and to make them actually good again.

So, what are the options?

Would you run, surround yourself with others who don't know the truth or history of damage, and or anesthetize yourself in some way,

and or just collapse in a heap?



It's hard for me to imagine what I would do, but it is easy to see how the choice to run would be natural.

Thanks for putting this in perspective 25. You are such a gift. Your words have helped carry me through some very dark days. And you probably never even knew.

(((((25)))))

right back at you.



H's nephew is getting married next month several states away. It is about a three hour flight. I am much closer to this nephew than H. The nephew asked if I would be attending and I told him no.


if you have known them decades AND he asked you, why wouldn't you go? My ex sil (my brother divorced her) is still a big part of my life.

OH SIDE NOTE about inlaws...
maybe this is just me and my family

but when my oldest brother did HIS MLC on his lovely first w,

all 3 of my sisters and I said he was being a fool.

Here is an actual conversation I had with him:

Me: I think you are blowing a good thing.

Oldest Brother: are you going to disown me as your brother?

me: No, I won't 'disown' you . But I think you're making the biggest mistake of your life.

Oldest Brother: thank you.

see what HE heard? That I would not disown him, so his choice OR the consequences of it were fine...


I've done more with my former SIL in terms of vacations and real conversations in the past decade, than with my brother. Literally.

No, my brother is not all happy. He is still melancholic. He remarried a lovely woman years after the Div (a woman his own age, btw). They've managed to have a child. She is my brother's second child, and he was a lazy dad in his first M. So he got a do-over.

And he's still a kind but inattentive lazy dad (he has no temper and he is not critical)

He's still pathologically conflict avoidant and self absorbed. Also a bit gloomy now.

He still the lacks emotional energy to be a dad with a 5 y/o And he's 63...He'll be 75 at her high school graduation. His older d24 is getting married this fall and she TOLD me she sees her dad "more like an uncle".

Ouch


Point is, you never know what the MLC/WAS family really truly feels...just b/c they don't disown their family member does NOT mean they approve and does not mean they don't care about you.

H's sister, nephew's mom, texted him over the weekend and asked H. H then texted me and asked me what I thought about attending. I told him I would like to go (which is true, but the thought of a long plane ride with a toddler, renting a car, etc., etc., is more than I can handle on my own.) He said he would like to go as well. So, we're going. It's so strange. He has filed for divorce, hasn't served me, but wants to go to his nephew's wedding. Probably because I will act as cover for him. And for the same reasons I wouldn't want to take S by himself, he wouldn't want to take S by himself. I am willing myself not to read anything into it.


then don't read anything into it. Just be glad you are welcome by a family that still cares and also, so your son can meet some of the "normals" there.
-S had zero interest. H was clearly hurt and even commented that S had zero interest in looking at the equipment. He took it personally and was genuinely hurt. My goodness, S isn't even two years old. He has the attention span of a gnat.

I don't know if this is MLC related or if H is really this sensitive. It's hard for me to imagine what he would have been like in this scenario pre-MLC.

well, you don't know. No need to deal with it b/c honestly, this is small potatoes.

I'd bet in 5 summers IF IF they see each other much your son will feign or have a real interest and then ditch it, (I would not assume your h will exercise whatever custody he actually gets. )
-

I didn't say anything to H or S about H's comments. I don't think S even heard them. But I did find them bothersome.

Not sure why this^^ struck a chord in you. Interesting.

Perhaps Your h is just PA and so self absorbed and wants his son to mirror him, (but without dirty diapers, or needing a nap or having a cold)

Maybe he only wants his son to be the president of the "daddy fan club", etc.

Remind yourself of what many including me must....it's Not our sandbox, right?


After that incident he went on and on about how he has asked other parents about little boys' fascination with trash trucks and S isn't a weirdo because other little boys also like trash trucks. What?!? He thought S was weird because he was fascinated with trash trucks? Really? Again, he isn't even two.

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. What does one even say to a comment like that? "Thanks for not thinking our S is a weirdo." "Thanks for doing some research and taking a consensus."

Slow down...don't escalate internally. Lots of mind reading...

IMO he's checking other parents b/c he's a new father

(and maybe b/c he's still without a fan club president in your son). I would read nothing into this.

90% of parents will tell him the same thing we are telling you, it's not a big deal and your son is not a weirdo.

Like the other comment, I don't know if this is MLC or just who H is at his core. Regardless, I don't like it and I am bothered by it.

Letting go of what we cannot control is a huge challenge, isn't it? This^^ fits that category but you probably already know that.

FWIW I don't see your h as the type to use up whatever visitation he gets so that's one worry I would not have in your situation. Seriously, as awkward and confused as he is by your son NOW, I cannot imagine him handling the time (with or without any OW) well and

just document how that all goes if and when it happens.

Maybe you can Shelve the "what if son ends up preferring H or them, to me?" fears, which may be a piece of this??

When is the wedding and how are the arrangements going to be for you? Relatives home or Hotel?

Sitters? Can you get someone to watch your son so you can enjoy the wedding?