It's hard because I have so many mixed feelings. If I had discovered an affair I would have hated ex. I would have acted fast and probably been a bit spiteful and vengeful. I never would forgive him. I would have been back at the gym full force with a brand new wardrobe to boost my ego.
My ex treated me really bad in order to hide and deny his addiction. He neglected his son and continues to seek to maintain his resources for himself. He always had an addictive personality. He was not someone that was able to handle discomfort. Physically and I guess emotionally. I am really mad at this. It's not right and it's not fair.
But I have empathy. These drug companies stocked up pharmacies knowing they were pushing a highly physiologically addicting drug on the market. (There are class action suits currently being pursued as well) Doctors prescribed drugs meant for terminally ill cancer patients to pts with back pain like candy. It's disgusting and a big epidemic.
At the same time I don't want to enable, I also don't want him moving forward to cheaper drugs.
He hasn't been himself these past several years. And I dont know if it's because he's a selfish narcissist or if it's because of what drugs did to him.
At one time, he greatly loved me. He would run out and buy me tampons when I needed them for Gods sake! He researched the hell out of proper swaddling techniques when our son was an infant and he figured out the simple reason as to why I was having trouble nursing (when breast feeding consultants couldnt). He was the one crying when our son was one and they had to draw his blood.
He was in debt. He never asked anyone for help. He had access to all of my money and he never took it. Instead he took high amounts of money out of his IRA to pay off debt. That would only happen with someone that had no control
He was deeply ashamed and needed to deny and blame our marriage. I think he was provoking fights because having a way to end the marriage was an easier way them to admitting what really happened.
I don't want to handle this situation cruelly or punitively. Or in a way that makes me right and him wrong.
He was so so so wrong and cruel these past 5 years, but he wasn't always like that. I don't think he was anyway.
I have my answers right now. But it's a bad answer. He still wants to deny and ignore.
I can use the courts to push for more. But at what cost?
On one hand my son might have some more resources. As his mother, I should push for this. Its the right thing and its his fathers responsibility. Im the single mom taking on tons of resppnsobility. I was deprived of the chance to own a home and have an asset to retire with. I was deprived of the opportunity to have a much wanted second child. I dont want to enable. I'm a classic bleeding heart and im getting taken advantage of. He has had the upper hand before this discovery because legal bills are so high. Now I have the upper hand legally. He was going out to sone very expensive restaurants in 2016. That's not fair.
On the other hand this comes with more conflict, humiliation, and God knows what else. He's building up debt again. He can't sustain this. Long term he will not do well. Not if what everything is being pointed too is true.
I am rambling because I am greatly conflicted about how to proceed. I have always had trouble making decisions and this is an awful one to have to make.
I am so depressed, I don't want to get out of bed and face anything any more. Thank God for work and my son or I would be locked up in my bedroom.
