First time here part 2

[leahsue]

Just a little update and admitting that I have completely gone off the rails in DB. I never detached. I tried to, and I think I was getting there. But then he started to slowly begin to call, text, plan to visit, etc. and that's where I fell off the wagon. If I'm honest, I think I started to believe, IN SPITE OF WHAT EVERYONE ON HERE SAYS AND I KNOW TO BE TRUE, that he would come for a visit, and BAM, it would all be fixed. I was totally tied to the outcome, and full of expectations. How's that for anti-DBing?
Sure enough, just as predicted, he's begun to distance himself again. I wanted too much, too soon, from him, and he doesn't have it to give.
I feel sadder today than I did back in January when he left. Because now it feels like I've lost him twice.
So starting today, I will begin again.
This time, I will move forward in truth. I will acknowledge that the old marriage is over, and I will believe that.
I will acknowledge that his feelings for me are not what they used to be, rather than holding onto the belief that they in fact are still there, just hidden for a time. They are gone. He has done nothing but be honest about not giving me false hope, and yet I have held on to hope in spite of that. I have to accept that this has really happened.
I feel rejected, yet again, and it's no one's fault but mine.
You friends have warned me over and over, and still I had expectations.
I want to be loved again. I want this feeling of major rejection to go away. I want to stop feeling so sad. And all these things take time. There's no shortcut. And that's what I wanted.
So I will go back to the beginning of DB, and this time I will work my way through with honesty to myself, not for any outcome except a healthy, peaceful me.
Right now, I have to learn to let go of my love for him, my anger at him for rejecting me, and my secret hope that he will "wake up" and things will be good again.
This hurts so much.