I went out a couple of times with someone in December.
We got on really well chatting online. He was really interested in art, photography etc, and was obviously intelligent too, so the conversation was good.
We arranged to meet up for a chat one evening after I finished work.
The *instant* I saw him, I knew there was absolutely no spark. Can you even get a negative spark? Well, it was like that.
He brought be a present, a Japanese art book. It was beautiful (a little too much, and too full on though).
Anyway, if I removed the thought of it being any sort of date from my mind, we got on OK, had a good chat.
Along with the negative spark thing, I got the tiniest inkling of being the 'artist performing monkey' for him, of being the 'arm candy bohemian'. He was someone who had a bit of a hankering for being a creative, but who had gone down another path (law) and had become very corporate. Not an issue for me, but the way he thought of me made me feel a bit uncomfortable.
He asked if he could come to my house to call a taxi (what the actual?), to which I said no. He became pretty embarrassed, and obviously wanted to get away as fast as he could. But I didn't want him leave feeling so bad, so I deliberately slowed my (our) walking pace down, and chatted totally normally, as if nothing had happened.
We went out for lunch a couple of weeks later, and I had the same impression of him.
I became totally engrossed in work (December was pretty darn busy), and he dropped off the radar.
Then, check this, he turns up in the bar attached to one of my part time jobs one evening, very obviously on a date with a woman. Now, there was absolutely no way he was just 'stopping by'. That place where I sometimes work was a train and a subway ride away for him - over an hour of travel for him.
But anyway, not a 'bad' person in anyway (although that last bit was a bit weird/creepy/full on). But it made me appreciate how important it is for me for there to be a lot of spark, and how I'm drawn to people (in general, but men also) who have a lot of presence in some way or another. It's part of the environment I've worked in for many years, so I'm very used to, and comfortable, being with people who are like that.
My STBXH had *a lot* of presence and was *very* charismatic. But I think I've realised in this whole process that that does not equate to other things that are important to me (maturity, confidence, self knowledge/awareness). I had somehow assumed that they went hand in had when I met my H, 18 years ago. But I was very young then, so, well, I can't blame myself for that.
Other news: nearing the end of working on my kitchen. Just a couple of minor things to sort before I can say I've finished overhauling one room! Finally! And I know that it will give me a lot of energy and impetus to carry on and finish the living room.
So, what's left: finish cleaning on top of the cupboards, clean inside food cupboards, hob cleaner on the ceramic hob, clean floor, wash windows and paint the walls.
I've also realised that this process is not just about letting go of the past (I think that's why I was finding it hard at times, and was feeling like I was being weighed down by it). But it's also about making the best future too. So in that mindset, it feels much easier.
