Next phase: Divorce and Acceptance

[Pax_luv]

Sotto, thanks so much for your feedback. Always love hearing from you. I'm obsessed with brene brown! Through all the internal work I've done over the last two years, it's almost like I'm hyper aware of all the dynamics that present themselves in everyday interactions and in doing that, I know im not "letting things be." It's weird! It's kind of like Ive gone to the extreme in my awareness and now I'm overthinking everything again!

Pinn! I've missed you, buddy! At least you ran a half... That's a win! I have another full coming up next month. ps- today marks the 1 year anniversary of my very first half! I made that effort thanks to my DB coach and now I'm getting ready for my second full!!! This journey..... You just never know where it will take you!
Pinn, I hope you are ok and things are peaceful and stable!

So to answer your question about my dreamy man. He is super top quality. I feel not up to par with him. I was a bit evasive in my previous post so here's some more info....

We work for the same company, but different departments. Met him a year ago in July and was instantly taken by him. We end up being a part of the same happy hour crowd and hang out in a group setting several times. I like him so much that I just go silent and get nervous around him... It's hard for me to even make eye contact! Turns out we also live(d) in the same complex and we start to build a friendly relationship though it's just that. I was thinking he may be in a relationship.... In January of this year we all go out for drinks and that's when he tells us that he's taking a year long project out of state and he's leaving in March.

The next week, he asks me out. Turns out he wanted to ask me out for a while, but was afraid to ask for my number... The reason he even got it was because we were all on a group text for our recent outing. He told me he couldn't leave without taking the opportunity to get to know me better.

On our first date, we went to a brewery and closed it down. From that point on, we kind of were inseperable but developed our "relationship" slowly. We built on our friendship and kind of were dating even though we knew he was leaving. Again we took it slow, and it was GREAT! He asked me what I wanted to get out of this and I told him that I had no expectations. Truthfully, I was just enjoying the company and appreciating the connection that we were forming.

So after a short 2 months (and after seeing eachother about every day) he moves 2,500 miles away.

He comes back to our home office every few weeks and when I see him, he still gives me butterflies. We catch up and pick up from where we left off. I should note that we do not have a physical relationship during these brief meetings. It's too one-night standish for me.

So, as of now, I'm trumping it up to a great fling, but I still like him. We do not talk every day. He mentioned a couple times, "you could come visit if you want." But I'm not sure he's that into me. I'm used to men being pursuers and I'm not getting that with him. We were together for such a short time so we really didn't have a "relationship" and it wouldn't even make sense for either of us to have a convo about it being more serious.

So... My insecurity lies in the fact that I'm not enough for a guy that I really like. Even though he says I could visit if I want, he doesn't come out and say "I want you to come visit." I end up overanalyzing everything, but just want to play it cool.

Ok reading back my synopsis, it reads like a 13 year old.... And that's precisely how I feel.

I just want to let it be, but I dont know how. I'm not attached, but I still want to practice detachment. And again, I keep telling myself that he's just not that into me for a multitude of reasons. He said he likes me tons and I make him fluttery.... But that's that!

See, I shouldn't even be analyzing this because he doesn't even live here! Ok... I'm done.