The reason why I don't want to get ino an R or until she is much older is because a relationship with the custody arrangement I have simply cannot be cultivated on an every other weekend basis for a year. There is no guy who wants something serious who would be someone's every other weekend. And I cannot spend a year with someone, fall in love with them, introduce them to my child and find out they don't click. It's a crappy spot to be in. I don't have family or help where people can watch her while I date and babysitters these days are an arm and a leg. I do not want to involve her anymore.

I don't think what FF wants is wrong either. But he should have had that sorted out before dating me knowing my exact situation. ANd seemingly enjoying we had with and without D9. He wasn't trying on a light basis at all. A very heavy basis. I think he went with his heart instead of his head initially.

Do I think might try to come back? None ever have, but I have some weird feeling he might. He just kept reiterating how he truly believes if you let go of what you love and it is meant ot be, it will come back. And he said if it is meant to be it will come full circle. And then he says if it's meant to be he prays for clarity and guidance and for the forgiveness for the pain he caused me. And this desire to be friends. He doesn't want me out of his life. But I can't stay on his terms. And if he did come back and said he would rather have me, have us and build with us and possibly another kid, I don't know if I could believe that. And I wouldn't want resentment.

he's been so lost and admittedly angry and frustrated his life isn't looking the way he wants right now with his job sitch and all. I guess it got him thinking and boom.

And yes, since easter this was a possibility in his head and I think the push pull was wondering if he could overcome it. And he came to the decision YESTERDAY he couldn't.

By the way, I forgot how hard going dark was. I know I'll wake up tomorrow morning and see my phone and nothing. And it will break my heart.