180man Thread 4

[25yearsmlc]

Hey guys,

Back from vacation, time for thread four. I'll start with background (as abbreviated as I can make it, though there is additional background in threads one, two, and three ), then I'll go over my plans, and finish with concerns/questions. Some of this will just be a recap of previously posted background, but I find it easier to put all in once place. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and help me and anyone else who might be helped by what we write here.

Background
-W and I both military, married 6, together 8, no kids, 1 dog.
-I became depressed about 1 - 1.5 years ago when I was forced to change jobs.
-W tried to help me get my old job back, it didn't work, and she felt I did not appreciate what she did.
-W tried to help me with depression but felt she couldn't get through to me.
-W and I had sex issues: I was just going through the motions and started to only care about my own satisfaction. I also had some OCD type issues.
-When I was transitioning out of my old job to the new one, W was taking on her own new job which was extremely stressful on her. Long hours. Lots of time away from home, especially last summer.
-W got drunk with colleagues out of town and after everyone had left found herself alone with a male friend of hers. She cheated.
-W felt terrible, confused, thought maybe she loved this person. They decided to see each other again to see if it really was love. It wasn't. A fizzled rapidly.
-W told her mother. MIL told her not to tell me yet and to go to counseling.
-Counseling arranged for December for what I thought was previous issues (sex, depression, etc). I found out about A night before.
-I kicked W out. She never moved home, despite open offers from me to do so when she was ready.

well somehow I overlooked ^^ this. But I do think other spouses who feel betrayed, need to realize that when cornered, or kicked out, often the WAS leaves and does not return.

I'm not sure if you "shamed" her out of the m, but regardless, it's water under the bridge now. (And hey, I don't mean to beat a dead horse. Sorry)

-W was extremely remorseful. She sent no-contact letter to OM. AFAIK he has abided by it because she told OM I would tell their boss if he didn't. OM has W and 3 year old which he doesn't want to lose.

Counseling
-Went to counseling fox six weeks starting in December, we just started to get somewhere in the beginning of January

Well, what do you mean that you guys started to get somewhere? I mean, clearly she did not agree. What do you think you were seeing that she did not see?

when my W came in to our second January session and handed me a letter asking for divorce. More background on the counseling here.
-Up to this point I had been begging, pleading, doing everything wrong outside of counseling.

Post BD (mid-Jan):
-I started divorce busting. Did not talk to her, did not text. We have only exchanged a handful of emails. I've done okay with GAL. I go to the gym 6 days a week, I'm involved in the church. I've been invited to play in the church band. I'm focusing on work as much as I can and recently have been given increased responsibility)
-W resumed texting with OM and later got herself a new phone and number she hasn't told me about (MIL told me). I am still paying to keep her old phone on. She still pays half the mortgage/bills. I recently renewed her license plates and gave her updated insurance papers (did this at end of Meeting #2 below).
-W's step-father had a stroke. I went to help, W did not because of work. When I got back she had cleaned her stuff out of the house. Said she thought it would be easier that way.
-I sent her an email after I got back calling her out for running away and avoiding dealing with our issues. Avoiding talking to me. I took ownership of some of my problems in this email as well.
-W responded two weeks later and said she agreed we should talk.

Coffee Meeting
-I tried to validate her as much as I could but she didn't open up much. She told me I hadn't listened to her over the years. It finally clicked for me, she was right. She asked for mediation.
-Next day she filed for D but did not tell me.
-Several days after coffee I sent her a very sincere email apologizing for not listening to her.
-Week and a half later she responds, tells me she had thought about what I had said very carefully but that at this point we had been through too much to save our marriage and D was the best for both of us.
-Tells me she filed and will serve me via mail. I received these papers about a week later.

Meeting #2
-Best description of what happened in this meeting is in this post. I'm not sure I could do it justice trying to summarize it otherwise.
-25yearsmlc said "Her reaction, given the givens, is probably the best you could have hoped for. There's a lot to build on (but don't point that out.) She has a lot to process."
-I have heard nothing from her since then, nor have I reached out. It has been three weeks.

Plans
I had some time on my vacation this past week to sort out my thoughts and plans, I'm going to write it out on a whiteboard later today, but here's a basic breakdown:

Basic Daily Plan
Mon-Fri: Wake 5AM, Meditate, Gym, Breakfast, Work, Walk Dog, Better Man Time (aka BMT, see below), Dinner, Sleep
Sat: Sleep In, Medidate, Breakfast, Batting Cage, House Projects, Lunch, Dog Beach, Gym, Dinner, Sleep
Sun: Sleep In, Medidate, Breakfast, Church, House Projects, Dinner with Neighbors (we do this every week lately), Sleep

Weekly Goals (things I need to accomplish every week)
+ Continue IC
+ Church On Sundays
+ Bi-Weekly Men's Group on Wednesdays
+ Gym Plan: M: Upper, T: Cardio, W: Yoga, T: Legs, F: Upper, S: Cardio, S: Rest
+ Batting cage once a week
-Dance Lessons
-Spanish Lessons
-Start Yoga once a week
-Work on multi-engine airplane rating

I like a lot of the self care in your plans. I love seeing LBSers GAL too. I did last night, and it was with a friend I've known since 6th grade. (So a High comfort level and he's hilarious and gay).

What a difference in mood I felt. Never fails (so far) to feel better after overcoming gloomy inertia and pushing on out. So you have that with the dancing and probably the Spanish class and the more I hear about Yoga, the more I need to head there. I started meditation too & I have been pleasantly surprised by how much it helps me sleep and reduces anxiety.

BMT (Basically projects or things I need to fit into my life that will help me improve myself)
+ Go on Vacation beginning of May
+ Schedule workshop on personal development (25yrsmlc: I'm in the July EE class)

if all goes well, I'll see you there. You won't be the first DBer to go!


+ Start writing a song
-Finish it (I have trouble getting all the tracks recorded sometimes )

cool creative outlet!

-Find active listening workshop
-Research temples and monastaries where I could spend a week or two learning and growing
-Sell my pickup, buy something fun
-Start playing with the church band
-Learn to hunt
-Try deep sea fishing
-Take a cooking class
-Camping trip with my college buddies



+ Find Sex Therapist
+ Schedule Sex Therapist Consultation
-Start Sex Therapy for my own hangups/OCD issues
-Fix Porn Addiction

may I assume these ^^ issues are all connected?

Lifestyle Changes
+ Better Diet: Chicken & Fish only! My 6 days a week at the gym has been great and even though I don't eat terribly, I could have seen better improvements had I paid more attention to what I ate these past few months. That changes now!


+ Stop reliance on benadryl to sleep!

I finally was able to do this during my vacation. I started using it when this all started because I couldn't sleep and even resorted to ambien a couple of times when shít was rough. Now I'm just using melatonin and I'm okay with that for a while.

do what you need to do. I admit I need ambien more than I care to admit. But it beats staying up all night. My health issue prevents me from playing with sleep anymore. You do what is best for you.

-Alcohol Control: Only on Sundays. I'm pretty much there, but I drank two days this past week on my vacation so I won't check it off yet until I actually do it.

Can you elaborate? I'm asking without judgement. When you do drink, do you drink a lot? Why is this on your list?

House Projects
-Sand/Paint Eaves & Fascia
-Finish clearing out junk in kitchen cabinets
-Clean office

-Finish Boxing up W's stuff

because it's too painful to see, or as a favor to her?

-Patch front walk way
-Paint back bedrooms
-Tile back bedrooms
-Store W's stuff in back bedrooms

Questions/Concerns
1. My L filed my response paperwork with the court last week, right before the 30 day deadline. I told him to let her L initiate any discussion on division of assets. She is out of town for another week, I'm not expecting to hear anything on this in the very near future, but I want to be prepared for it when it comes. How do I handle this?

You protect yourself financially FIRST - b/c you'll regret feeling like a doormat

and b/c laying down for her does not increase her attraction to you.

Obviously being a jerk won't eithe,r and you'll have to live with either choice.

There is another option. Be reasonable & fair. Be careful what you fall on your sword for. But stand up for yourself too.

My other remark is that you let your L do the talking.


Do I agree to sitting down with her and the lawyers and talking it out? Do I ask that only the lawyers discuss it?

tough call. Very individual

I said this previously, but I can't imagine how she could possibly sit in a room with me and actually discuss separating our stuff. I don't think she has it in her to be this cold to my face.

Oh 180...after 35 years of a marriage that I still thought was good (mostly), my h's behavior has stunned me. But your w seems to prefer doing things indirectly, like by letter or with a MC there or by mail...

you might be right. But what is your hope by going in person with her? IF she remains in the room, are you hoping she will say "no, I can't do this. Let's reconcile"??

Tell us what your thoughts are. Are youreally prepared for her agreeing to what her L says?

I know she still loves and cares for me, so I see this as being extremely difficult for her to do (probably because I'm not sure I can do it myself).


ouch Just remember she has had a head start on the detachment process

In any case, I have little attachment to the stuff, she can have all of it. Really. I just want my wife back, I could care less about the couch.

Well, after spending a few thousand dollars on start up expenses like bathroom mats, towels, lamps, silverware, etc. I regret not taking half. I took far less than half under the very misguided belief that it would matter to h. It did not. He gave away our washer and dryer, which were new and which I INSANELY thought he'd need and appreciate. My excuse was that I'd been hospitalized just before the separation. Now I shake my head at myself...where was my head?

I think he felt I "dumped" a move on him. Look around at what matters to you and divide as fairly as possible, or prepare for more costs soon. Plus it'll annoy/hurt the heck out of you to give something up only to learn she gave it away.


2. Mother's day. I am considering sending a simple card to MIL and Step-MIL. "Happy Mother's Day, Love 180 & Dog." I still love and care for them, but I don't know what people normally do in this position. Thoughts?

if you have a relationship with them, send a card. Maybe a note about what they've meant to you over the years but make it authentic. Otherwise keep it simple

3. W's Birthday and our anniversary. Both at the end of the month. WTF do I do about it??????

A lot will depend on how the mediation goes. Anniversary maybe a card that says "it's still worth remembering" and that you wish her well

4. Contact. Next weekend will make four weeks of no-contact since our last meeting. We've had very limited contact since January anyways, but this is the most recent bit of no-contact. I am torn between continuing no-contact and reaching out to her next weekend and starting a DIFFERENT dialogue than what we've been having.

I don't want to talk about the past and our previous problems. Even if she still has feelings for OM, I can't control that. Plus he's leaving her command and moving to the other side of the globe in the coming weeks anyways so she will not be seeing him.


Same OM with a wife and kid? And he's transferring far? How long will you guys will be semi close to each other?



I would like to email her something very short such as: "Hey, I just got back from the Carribean, a shark swam right past me and I thought of you while trying not to [censored] my pants!

DO NOT SAY THIS^^^ (unless it's some hilarious inside joke...)

Hope you're doing well! -180" (we make a point to try to scuba dive on most of our vacations and one time in Mexico she really really wanted to go feed the Bull sharks.......I was not a fan of this idea at all!).

IF I do this, I am not looking to be emailing her back and forth ten times a day. I am just thinking slow and steady...just start a small dialogue and see if we can grow it at in the coming months. 25yearsmlc...advice????

Thank you all! Have a great Sunday!