It is over. He broke up with me yesterday over text while I was out and he was working.
In a nutshell he has realized that he wants all those good things. A house and kids. ANd he said by the time is he is ready for kids, I won't be anymore. And he said, and I quote " it won't be us building together, it would be the 3 of us" as in D9 as in he doesn't want that.
That knocked the wind out of me.
Of course a bunch of other things were said about strong his feelings are for me and yada yada. And that he wants to be my friend. I do not want to be his friend. he doesn't get to chose bits and pieces of me he wants.
The crappy thing about a break up convo over text is you have everything to read and read and analyze. I got pretty drunk last night and this morning I read the texts with my friend who stayed over. We deducted that he wants to be number one. He knows that D9 is my number one. He always felt like couples are number one to eachother. And this guy walks into a woman's life who is established with a house, a kid, a job, a social life...... all the things we obtain from growing up and making a life from ourselves. Especially us divorced single parents. I think that's why he would get upset when I had plans with friends. He felt like we weren't building together. and no, I didn't let him into every aspect of life first.
I am in an intense about of pain. I am just so sad. It is hurting really badly. I saw a future with him. The guy I met, the one who seemed to really enjoy being with me and my child. Who I welcomed with open arms into a dear part of my life. Today was the first morning I woke up in 3 months without his good morning text. Something that lit up my day.
He liked something on FB this morning that was a video of a guy explaining how it's not the time a guy buys a girl flowers on valentines day that makes them fall in love. It's how when he listens to her bad day and she says nothing about her amazing one and is there to listen. How when he gets up to get himself a drink and brings back one for her, that what makes her fall in love with him. Consistency. And he knows and admitted, that's the kid of woman I am to him. With all of his stress I was there, listening. When he wsa dealing with his sisters divorce on night and he was so enraged, I had him come over and I listened to him vent. I rubbed his shoulders. When he needed workers, I gave him the ideas on how to find one. When he was cleaning out his work trailer, I came over and helped him. When he was having issues with guys at the firehouse, I sat and listened. I knew exactly where he liked his back scratched and without asking, I scratched it.
I was there like a partner was. But that is not enough. ANd I can't make myself or my situation be enough. In one breath, I feel like I will just never be enough for someone. But for the right guy I will be. And they will love the package deal they will get with me and D9.
What kills me and baffles me is that he has been in this situation before and I don't know why he would see it differently this time. Why did he do this again?
I have to tell D9 tomorrow. First thing when I pick her up she will ask if he is coming over. So my friend is helping me switch up the routine and she is going to pick her up and she will be there to help me tell her.
It's better it's over now. But yes, we did move fast, feelings moved fast and I can't change it. Even though it's only been 3 months, I saw this guy as someone I might marry if he was who he presented himself to be. I saw myself having kids with the guy I first met.
He held me the other night and was just kissing my head and rubbing my back (TMI, sorry) and he knew what he was going to do.
Thanks for being there for me. All the advice and feedback has been helpful.
We go through the worst, getting cheated on and divorced. You think nothing will ever hurt as bad and your heart becomes stronger. Mine becomes a little weaker with each breakup. I don't think I have more of this left in me.
