Thank you all for your posts and responses. They really mean so much. This discovery has been really, really hard for me.
All the secrecy. The double life he led. This scares me so much.
because you think differently of yourself in the past, now?
Or the gas lighting?
And Or the addiction itself?
the addiction bothers me tremendously. It feels as if I just discovered my STBX has AIDs. I am afraid for how it can progress and for how it can affect my 6 year old son. But also the gas lighting. That was the worst part of BD and now I am realizing how much it made up our relationship. I would bring things up to him and he would deflect or make it out like I was difficult and stubborn and nagging and controlling. I thought I was a horrible wife and person when he left. I entered a short termed relationship, and really see how compliant I was to things I should not have been because I wanted to proove to myself how selfless and non controlling I was. I dont know who I am any more
I just feel so naive. I think I am in a pretty deep depression and not quite sure how long this will last. Doing things that are unstructured (work, taking care of son) are challenging. I just seem to lie in bed or google stuff on addicts. And its not productive.
Juju, 2 questions-- is it okay to be sad awhile? And, why is it non productive?
I ask myself the same question
at what point is the self examination and study to learn from this crap, turning into depression and wallowing and being stuck...?
I don't know. Maybe when I get too sick & tired, of feeling sick & tired...?
I guess I feel time ticking away. I am almost 40. I want to move forward. I want a parntership with someone. But I feel held down from all the secrets. from all the legal decisions I have to make. Most of all From the financial mis management. But also From the sadness. People say, "it should not matter just move forward" And they are right. I am so unhappy. The truth is, I do not want my ex back. And i have not wanted him back for a while now. So that is not holding me back. I dont really know what is.
I feel lonely, but when i spent times with friends last night I still felt lonely. All of my friends had stability and partnerships. They are in great places of their lives. They are building futures. hmm...like on fb with highlight reels? Or do you really believe that they have no challenges in their life? I'm not debating, just probing your view...of course I'm not where you are in stage of life. But your second guessing & asking "what happened and when??" really resonates.
One thing my T said that helped, was realizing that I believed things were true, b/c I wanted to validate my choice to stay, (subconsciously).
That itself does not make me - or you - stupid. Sometimes you just have to trust the love of your life.
I think my problem was truly that I believe others to be like me. I was very trusting regarding my husband. I told him everything. I just expected the same from him. The double life is scary. But also there were signs that something was wrong. I approached, I fought, I complained. Torwards the end, I catered to him....That was the most humiliating part.
And I am at a bottom. (i am just hoping no more landslides down)
It feels different then BD. At that time, I felt hope that there could be reconciliation. I felt MOTIVATED to work on myself. My ego was deeply wounded and I felt motivated to be be attractive and to do. I do not feel that way right now.
Instead I just feel defeated.
could it be your form of resignation and acceptance? Are those required for you to detach fully, to no longer have him as a factor in your choices?
Is that^^ bad?
[color:#FF0000] Perhaps. And it might not be bad. I know now that he is incapable of rational thought. I know that he is incapable of a healthy relationship. He is just empty. To have done what he did and reacted to me the way that he did says a lot about him. Not me. I am ashamed for him. And see him for a very weak man. This was progressing for about 7 years though. And does not take away from some pretty bad behaviors I exhibited in our relationship as well.
But I dont know if my bad behaviors were a reaction to his, or just bad.
Before you realized the core issue, or that his inner turmoil was not something you had any control over at all, you DBd and believed your course of action could change the marriage. I totally get that.
The feeling of being "defeated" after years of feeling you could make a difference... resonates with me but for different reasons.
So if we and our children are collateral damage in a struggle not of our making, now what?[/color]
Now what? Once I figure that out, I will be ok. But thats the scary part. What do I do with this new information? It has custody implications. It has financial implications. I am struggling with this and I just dont know what to do. Do i legally fight for money that is most likely gone? The fight is expensive and will he even be able to pay back that money in the future? He declines drug tests. How do i know if my son will be safe. Will more conflict cause him more stress and more drug use? Will him having to pay me back more money cause him to seek cheaper and even more fatal drugs? this is the stressful part.
He took away so much from me. Things that were communicated and we were in agreement with from the beginning of our committment. Financial stability, and more children.
He kept everything a secret. He deprived me of a relationship. If i had known, I would have had a choice. It would have been more of a partnership because he would have been sharing something with me that affected us as a whole.
I always said, we never had a team unit. I'm nodding and getting this^^^^...
no words
Its been almost 2 years since he left. And I am really struggling to move forward. To be productive. Doing the mundane right now. This is challenging me.
you may feel lonely, but you are not alone.
How long has it been since you fully realized the core problem and extent?
