It's a little dreary in my neck of the woods, so my morning plans to go hiking with some friends got derailed. The good news is, it's 9:30 am im still cozied up in my warm bed.
Been doing a lot of reflecting the past few weeks. I've felt a shift that has left me questioning if now I am the one rewriting history when it comes to my failed marriage. From my current vantage point, it's almost seems like nothing was good in it! Or maybe I'm just extra grateful for the peace and calm and stability that I have in my life now. Either way, I continue to mull it over, dissect it and extract the learnings, and continue to move forward.
I listened to a podcast this week and I appreciated this woman's perpective. she referenced that when we tell stories from our open wounds it's not as authentic because there's tons of messiness in it. However, when we tell our story from our scars, we are able to be more honest with ourselves. I loved this! I feel like here I am 2 years post BD and I'm able to see things much more clearly as that pain isn't as present. Yea... It's takes time for scars to fully heal and I'm not there yet... But I feel well on my way. Thats a blessing! I genuinely feel joy again and I am able to recognize it. I had it once and I unknowingly let it go dormant in me while I catered to my ex and his neurosies for many many years.
My other reflection lies in dating. So, I'm 2 years post BD and 1 month out from 2 years separation. Still not divorced and it's an ugly divorce. While I don't have time to date per se... I still want to put myself out there as a means to get more confidence in myself around men. While I am A-0k, I have yet to fully learn the art of detaching and walk around without a fear of potential rejection from men.
I'm dealing with the fact that I have a major crush (yep I said crush) on this guy and I'm not sure he's that into me. I'm not going crazy trying to pursue him or get him to think otherwise. It's ok if he's not into me. I'm really trying to practice everything I've learned about holding my own while knowing that I'm enough.... BUT... I also deal with the fear of not being enough for someone else <----- this is what I need to tackle next.
Our old MC tried to engrain it in me that I will never be enough for my ex. And while I get her point in doing that.... It leaves me vulnerable to feeling like I'm not going to be enough in my future romantic endeavors. This is why I need the practice!
So with that, the learnings and explorations just keep coming! So much self-help can be exhausting at times, but the investment is well worth it!
Enjoy the day, every one!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
