A WW? (8)

[lt0402]

Ok, an update since my last post. I've been travelling a lot recently. First the trip out west with D, then two trips for work late in April and earlier this week. Between the two trips I got pretty sick and was dragging for about a week and a half. Finally starting to feel better, but definitely wore on me w/ keeping up a happy face at home.

So, we'd been working to sell our house, which has been on market about 45 days. Got, negotiated, and accepted an offer this week. Closing is in a couple months, so now we have a deadline for a move. W has an obvious axe to be out of the house, so her motivation was very focused on moving the house. Provided input and a little bit of pushback on the price we counter-offered with, but she drove the process for the most part. Felt we could squeeze a bit more out of the negotiation but felt like I balanced Ws desire to sell the house w/ maximizing the return on the sale. W has mentioned nothing about any search for a new place to live. If you'll remember, I offered to her a month ago that the decision is hers on our next residence. I offered my aid, should she want it, but had planned to let her drive it. A bit frustrated that we've sold the place and don't have a plan going forward (that I know of), but we will see.

The day before I left for my business trip this week I went to the doctor since my cold didn't seem to be getting better. Put me on some meds. Got home w/ the meds and W asked "Are they steroids? Because you shouldn't fly with steroids in your system, you could get really sick". First time she's shown any sort of empathy for me in the past year. That evening (same evening we were going back and forth on the house sale) she offered and made me dinner. The same thing D was eating, but it was a gesture I've not seen in the past year also.

Ws car wasn't ready until sometime while I was gone this week. I left her mine and took a cab to the airport bc it seemed like the right thing to do. Noticed she'd shuffled around in my console as some stuff was moved around, but whatever. I find myself wondering if the concern around the meds or the house sale didn't drive her to do something quasi-nice for me. She's also no longer stacking our pillows on each opposite edge of the bed when she makes it, but that could be accidental.

There are still plenty of times when she's over the top rude about stuff. W let me know our attic fan wasn't running when I got back from my trip. I went up there, checked it, and couldn't figure out what was wrong w/ it. Got an electrician out there to take a look and it happened to be working when he got there (W was home for it). Asked W what he said and she shot back there was nothing wrong with it and it was fine. Very annoyed about it, though it was her that told me it was broken, and honestly it was not working when I was looking at it. Is what it is.

D is pushing me away a bit when W is around. D was concerned when I was sick and was extra nice to me which was awesome. But when it's the 3 of us and we are together, I notice that D doesn't act as close to me as she does when W isn't there. That part has me a bit down. Love that kid though, she's my driving force!

Have had a couple IC visits since that text w/ my W. IC thought it highlighted that she's all over the place in her mind. He also found a lot of truth to the statements but there's not a lot of consistency in the messaging. Thinks it highlights how disparate things are in her mind right now. When my Ws car was ready after that last text msg bt us, she sent me a msg saying:

W: "Let me know if you want me to get someone else to take me to pickup the car"

I didn't respond quick enough and just got back:

W: "Nevermind, it's taken care of"

She also asked me to get tulips on the way home the next day to put in our house for showings. She also asked me to grab a dining room table from someone (since we don't have one) and get it back to the house so we could stage it. The dining room table was a pain (heavy as hell and awkward), but our friends H and I got it loaded in about 45 minutes through brute force. Got it home and into the garage, but then W got annoyed that I couldn't get it in the house. I told her the two of us could try, but I thought it was too heavy for us to get in w/o damaging it. My brother in law couldn't come over and when I offered to call my Dad, W said "that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. he'll hurt himself trying to move it." I offered to get someone to come the next day (it was 8pm) and she said that the realtor had scheduled photos of the house first thing in the morning. Found a neighbor, eventually, to help, but W was annoyed the rest of the evening. I'd no clue that we had to rush it bc of photos. Seemed like poor planning on her part.

So, W seems to have no issues asking for things when it suits her. Regardless of how I execute, something is always wrong w/ it in her mind. I've not offered anything, except leaving my care for her while on my trip, since those previous text messages. The two of us really haven't talked face to face, minus the discussion about the attic fan.

So, some out of the norm stuff and some continuation of the coldness. The coldness, for the most part, is more neutral now, but still flares up at times. Don't see it as a positive, just more of a change, though I've no clue for what reason.

There's a conversation to be had shortly. I need some clarity around our future w/ the deadline to move. I'll probably over to line up the moving company. But I need to see what she's thinking wrt 1) a place to move and 2) do we move together. I've setup a meeting w/ my L to discuss scenarios for #2 next week. Need to know the options should I or she push this thing towards S w/ the house now sold.

I'm on the fence about forcing the issue of S. I wonder how much longer I can be this punching bag w/in my own home. I don't feel disrespected as much anymore, and when I do I stand firm. It's more the random bouts of coldness and the lack of having a partner who is warm and caring. The counter to S though is my D and what it does to her. Not an easy spot to be in and I find the decisioning to be brutal. IC thinks I tell W that "I know i'll be fine. I'm working on myself and have gotten to a point where I can be happy either way this turns out. I'm worried about you and the anger and resentment that you are holding onto. It seems to be keeping you from being happy. It probably makes sense for us to put a timeline (6m or a yr) on this and if we're unable to work on our R then we should make plans to S." One of the reasons I'm going to see L in case we have a conversation so I can be prepared to frame up options. I hate to go that route, but I'm not sure I can continue to go down this path.

Had a dream last night of W and I laying in bed. In my dream I woke up to W rolling over beside me and then rolling on top of me and us just holding each other like that. Seemed so real. Woke up to her facing away from me on the other side of the bed and it was like cold water being splashed in my face. I feel ready to be close to someone, but W does not seem to want that to be her. How much longer to I allow her to "feel dead inside"? How much longer do I allow myself to be shunned by someone who I cared so much about? Dunno.

Don, I agree. I think that text exchange was a gift. I probably needed to hear all of that. It's so foreign to me to not offer to help when I perceive someone as being in need. I guess it's somewhat involuntary and I do it w/ everyone. You're right though. W doesn't seem to want it and so I'm forcing myself to not offer. If it's something that needs to be done and I want to do it, then I just do it. Otherwise, W needs to come to me and ask for aid.

One thing that's sitting out there is docs for our closing attorney on the house. they hit our email when I was out of town this week. I asked W via text:

Me: "Saw the docs from the closing agent, but haven't looked. Anything we need to do there?"

W: "Need to be filled out and faxed"

Didn't offer to do them, but W also didn't ask for me to in her follow up. I know that she expects me to do them. I hate it that she wants me to stop offering to help, but still expects me to do things w/o asking. Unsure how to balance all that.

Trust me, completely get what you're saying about offering unwanted help and pushing her further away. It's the part where she expects me to help her w/o her asking that is frustrating me.

JR, yeah, it's tough to balance detached vs attached w/ the in house I think. There's some level of reliance upon each other to make it work. Though, weirdly enough, I guess we're not really even in house S. Taking a step back, we are still M per our conversations from Oct on. Strange to think about it that way.

I'd never find any of ya'll preachy, JR. You've all been such amazing friends and supporters during this rough journey. I'm trying to detach but it's almost like she fights that detachment and ropes me back in through her moods and coldness. Maybe we'll see some different behavior with me not offering help, maybe not. Unsure of what the next couple months hold.

It's her birthday next week. I asked her what she'd like to do a cpl weeks ago and got back a spew filled msg along the lines of "for my birthday I want nothing. actually, for my birthday, I'd like you to treat it like it wasn't my birthday...". So, D and I are getting her a cake, as she told D in a separate conversation that she'd really like a cake. Not sure what we'll do for mother's day. Maybe let D pick out a small gift for her and a card I guess.

Sorry for the rambling. A lot going on, but not really. Still feel as though the wheels are spinning and we're in limbo. Thank you all for being there for me and wanting to catch up on my sitch. Know that you are all extremely appreciated. Thank you!