I'm gonna go home in a minute, but thought I'd post some of the positives and negatives in my sitch to just help with the "getting my head on straight" effort...so, here goes:
POSiTIVES: 1)H has never left home; 2)H has never said he wants a divorce; 3)H has told S he doesnt want a D; 4)H has said in a "round-about" way that he wants M to work ("don't you think that I'm hurt and disappointed and want this to work out too?), 5)H has said he's told OW we are "trying to work this out", 6)H is nicer to children than for a long time; 7)H is more loving to me than for a long time, with spontaneous little kisses, hugs; 8)H pays more attention to home/pets than for a long, long time; 9)H is starting to look for a new job; 10)H has stopped blaming me for everything that he sees being wrong; 11)H has more to do w/his family of origin than he had for some time; 12)H does little "acts of service"; 13)H makes time for us to do some things together..movies, walks, meals, etc, which he used to avoid; 14)H is home more; 15)H looks me in the eye and "chats" with me now; 16)I see "warmth" and sometimes teasing/happiness in his eyes now when he looks at me, I used to see disgust, disdain? 17)H still ML, sometimes really enthusiastically 18)H is closer to D...they hated each other for a while; 19)H has said numerous times he is trying to end it/"things are coming apart",20)H has said DB is working (in so many words..."i can see how this works, you just feel yourself being drawn back to the person) 20) H has said and says pretty often that he loves me, seems sincere 22)H makes plans for the future that include me 23)H refers to home as "my house"; 24)H has said he & OW are not seeing each other any longer 25) I've lost weight 26) I'm in somewhat better physical condition 27) I like myself better 28) I like H better; 29) H no longer swigs mouthwash and swims in aftershave constantly; 30)H's phone convo's w/OW don't seem to last hours anymore.
NEGATIVES: 1)H calls OW on phone frequently/daily at least; 2)H says they "still talk and are still friends"; 3)H says "I know she'll always be there if we don't work out; 4) H doesnt ML as often as I would like and isnt as demonstrative 5)H hasnt put his wedding ring back on; 6) H hasnt told me it's over w/OW;7)H is hot/cold emotionally, and kind of unpredictable; 8)I have trouble managing the anxiety and fear that comes from the uncertainty.
OK, that's all I can think of right now, but actually that was kind of helpful....when I put it down in black and white, I can actually see that the positives are running about 3 to 1 over the negatives at this time....hmmmm...this is all since last summer. I think the negatives might have been ahead then.
OK, so maybe things aren't really so bleak after all. with that, I'm going home to see how things are at the moment...tomorrow will be another day to think how i'm going to do my academy award winning performance at annual meeting. and to practice looking "her" in the eye...maybe I'll actually get out a mirror.
