She was like "Even if I didn't agree to cut contact and said I was going to continue contact with OM and ultimately went off with him, why would you ever want kids to know anything more than that you and I were unhappy and agreed to split up... anything else would just be to hurt me and them. I would think you'd want everyone to be happy."
Why would everyone be happy that their family has been split apart?
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deflected this by saying we weren't talking about splitting up and telling the kids right now, but I was curious if, even though I did not intend to go around exposing her to anyone, she expected me to lie to cover for her if asked.
If this comes up again, I would say something like, "I am not going to lie to my children in order to cover your infidelity, or why you chose to leave the M for another man".
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I don't necessarily want her thinking I am trying to shame her in to coming back.
She has had her first taste of reality. It is just hitting her that her adultery might be revealed to her sons. She stupidly thought the man she betrayed would lie to his sons to cover her sins, and act as if everyone is one big happy family.
Don't get confused here. You don't stoop to lying to cover up a cheater's actions. The only reason you would tell your sons about her infidelity would be b/c she leaves to be with OM. If that happens, it affects their lives, too. You would not be shaming her to get her back. Iif she chooses the OM, it would be the results. Just as divorce would be the results.
Instead of her wondering if you will forgive her and allow her to gain back your trust, she is feeling out the situation to see what you will do if she refuses to end contact with the OM. That's common for a WW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
