I'm reposting here my musings from a week ago about how the OW must see this sitch....kind of hits me when I'm thinking my side looks bleak anymore.... S saw her at his class last night, ( 4/22) and said she "looked medium sad"....evidently she's avoiding me so I didn't see her...tonight H stopped by my office after work, and I must have given him a "look" because he has this funny way of saying "what?" when he thinks he's going to be called on the carpet, and that's what he said...of course I was thinking of her B-day being listed in the newsletter, and he'd have seen it and known I saw it....It's just a tangled mess. So, my thoughts from last week that pop back into my mind: f I were in her shoes, I would be going out of my mind....I don't know what H told her, I'm sure he must have whined and moaned, but if I was her I would be feeling like the worlds biggest all-time sucker....she: --left her live-in BF after a couple mos. w/H and moved to another town --increased her difficulties as a single parent by moving out of the town where her family is (only 20 miles, but still) --gave herself a commute of at least an hour/day with increased gas costs; --put her D's life in more upheaval by putting her in another school & home & community, --took on responsibilities of homeownership by herself --Lost the respect of "bosses" at her workplace (I suspect she's being watched closely, maybe H also, from comments he's made about how "heartless" they are and statements they've made in admin meetings I've been in) --At the least gotten herself exposed to an STD --Put herself in the position of being a poor role model for D --Put herself in the postion of promising to "wait" for him...I'd be really lonely... all this for..... --a 15 minute early morning phone call each day... --longer phone calls sometimes, when his W isnt around, probably over lunch hours --"hot" emails at work, which I suspect are monitored --knowing he is willingly going home to his family every night --knowing he's making plans/financial commitments w/family/wife that will make her life more complicated even if he did go to her. --having the guy desert their "shacking up" weekend to go home after his wife pounded on the door --maybe a few hours once a week together? --knowing he's spending his nights snuggled up w/wife, at the least --maybe knowing that W takes every opportunity to be intimate w/H....
WOW--I never looked at it like that before. S and his friends made up a rap song with "you FOOL" as a phrase....that keeps sticking in my mind.
what an idiot...what kind of a sucker/fool would make all those sacrifices on the basis of whiny/complaining words from somebody who's been married 24 years? The more I think about it, the more it blows my mind. Its incredible. Either H made huge promises to her...in which case he hasnt followed through...or she is a complete and total gullible idiot. Then I see that H must be feeling terribly guilty --he is the kind of person who feels guilt...maybe that is part of what makes it so hard for him to recommit to M.
oh my rambling mind. H told me months ago that things werent easy for OW....I've been so PO'd I've not seen that. Others here on the BB have mentioned that she's not to be envied....all I've been able to see thought is the "date night" situations, having a chance to always be at your best when you're around him and not have to deal with the nitty gritty details of everyday life together. Along that line of thought though, it must REALLY be a downer if you're always at your best and being fun, and he STILL won't leave the W for you.
As I mentioned earlier, H told me clear back last fall that OW had begged him not to leave her...she must be getting really desperate, If she's given it her best for almost a year now and a)he's still at home, b)not as close to leaving as he was as nearly as I can tell c)seems happier at home than he has in years
Ok....the shock wave is subsiding a little and with it the panic....I've got a few days to get my head on straight before annual meeting/dinner, and I WILL take advantage of it as my chance to SHINE! somehow!!! At the very least I will be there with dignity and I will be a class act...there are more folks there who know what's been going on than H and OW realize, they WILL know full well what I'm doing....I will be OK....one foot in front of the other, my head up, a smile on my face, I will be at his side, and I will look her right in the eye if I get the chance. Let her be the one to squirm. She's the one who has something to squirm about (and him), not me.....
I may be fooling myself or jinxing myself by saying so, but I don't think he's going anywhere in the long run........
I'm gonna go home in a minute, but thought I'd post some of the positives and negatives in my sitch to just help with the "getting my head on straight" effort...so, here goes:
POSiTIVES: 1)H has never left home; 2)H has never said he wants a divorce; 3)H has told S he doesnt want a D; 4)H has said in a "round-about" way that he wants M to work ("don't you think that I'm hurt and disappointed and want this to work out too?), 5)H has said he's told OW we are "trying to work this out", 6)H is nicer to children than for a long time; 7)H is more loving to me than for a long time, with spontaneous little kisses, hugs; 8)H pays more attention to home/pets than for a long, long time; 9)H is starting to look for a new job; 10)H has stopped blaming me for everything that he sees being wrong; 11)H has more to do w/his family of origin than he had for some time; 12)H does little "acts of service"; 13)H makes time for us to do some things together..movies, walks, meals, etc, which he used to avoid; 14)H is home more; 15)H looks me in the eye and "chats" with me now; 16)I see "warmth" and sometimes teasing/happiness in his eyes now when he looks at me, I used to see disgust, disdain? 17)H still ML, sometimes really enthusiastically 18)H is closer to D...they hated each other for a while; 19)H has said numerous times he is trying to end it/"things are coming apart",20)H has said DB is working (in so many words..."i can see how this works, you just feel yourself being drawn back to the person) 20) H has said and says pretty often that he loves me, seems sincere 22)H makes plans for the future that include me 23)H refers to home as "my house"; 24)H has said he & OW are not seeing each other any longer 25) I've lost weight 26) I'm in somewhat better physical condition 27) I like myself better 28) I like H better; 29) H no longer swigs mouthwash and swims in aftershave constantly; 30)H's phone convo's w/OW don't seem to last hours anymore.
NEGATIVES: 1)H calls OW on phone frequently/daily at least; 2)H says they "still talk and are still friends"; 3)H says "I know she'll always be there if we don't work out; 4) H doesnt ML as often as I would like and isnt as demonstrative 5)H hasnt put his wedding ring back on; 6) H hasnt told me it's over w/OW;7)H is hot/cold emotionally, and kind of unpredictable; 8)I have trouble managing the anxiety and fear that comes from the uncertainty.
OK, that's all I can think of right now, but actually that was kind of helpful....when I put it down in black and white, I can actually see that the positives are running about 3 to 1 over the negatives at this time....hmmmm...this is all since last summer. I think the negatives might have been ahead then.
OK, so maybe things aren't really so bleak after all. with that, I'm going home to see how things are at the moment...tomorrow will be another day to think how i'm going to do my academy award winning performance at annual meeting. and to practice looking "her" in the eye...maybe I'll actually get out a mirror.
Hey Deb - Just popped in to check out your digs, wow, so many similarities I will read up before commenting, looks like lots for me to do this weekend. Your positives are astounding, keep repeating them, I may borrow some when the ole PMA is flagging. Have a great weekend. Lots of hugs, slowly
Hi dfb and slowly, thanks for your encouragement...I need all I can get! dfb, I'm gonna try to shine brightly....I gotta come up with something to wear that's "business sexy" (is there such a thing?) but not "slutty". Slowly...thanks for stopping in...I've also been struck by the similarities in our sitches....I'll be excited to hear any thoughts you have to share.
I don't have much time to post today, but thought I'd just put in a quick one. I really am very confused, and part of my crazymaking comes from my confusion. S told me his dad talked w/OW for about 1/2 hour on the phone last night while I was at work, sounded a little sad, and S heard him say "who would...." poor S has a need to tell me what he has to deal with, I know he was hoping the phone calls had stopped, so I listen to what he needs to share, I don't know if it helps either of us but he needs to be able to talk about it.
When I got home H was pleasant, but not into "hugs", just plain said he wasnt "much in the mood", taht sometimes he liked them but not right then . So I gave him just a little one, said I would be careful not to "smother" him and told him I loved "smooches", so it was hard work for me to resist, but I was working to. When we went to bed, I was feeling pretty sad and sorry for myself...just kind of layed there, don't think I even touched him.... I thought he was nearly asleep, when from out of the dark his voice says "hows come you arent wearing your fancy undies to bed?" of course that opportunity was not resistable...I asked him what I should wear, and he actually turned on the light and got some things....played around, took some polaroids, was "naughty"...I enjoyed myself just fine, in fact it was the cheering up I needed. I told him afterwards I was confused because he hadnt wanted hugs and smooches and he said "the two aren't related" . I still don't understand, I don't think I ever will. It didnt seem the time to pursue it much so I didn't, but can any of you guys shed any light on this? It doesnt seem from h's actions that the 2 are NEVER related.... I've made a very concious effort to back off this week, with initiating sex, with physical affection, and with ILY...he just hasnt responded as positively the last week or so, so it just made since to not do a lot of what doesnt work..... then he initiates sex, even though he isnt real into the physical expressions of affection. what should I learn from this????? I really don't know
I didnt sleep well last night, was awake when his alarm went off. gave him a hug before he went to make his OW phone call (o how I hate that)....H brought me coffee later and said he'd do the outside chores since I had to go to work and he doesnt today....
we talked for a few minutes in the kitchen about him sending out resumes, and he brought up the discussion that maybe we should both be looking at going into a different professional field.....this seems like plans/suggestions that include me......
We stood on the porch for a few minutes, he had on his grubby "chore" clothes, and I told him even those were sexy. He said he didn't feel sexy, and couldnt understand that....he did give me a nice warm, lingering, hug and kiss, and I told him "that is hard for me to resist wanting all the time because it really turns me on"....he looked kind of surprised and said "it usually doesnt me"....we talked about watching a movie tonight and maybe having a fire in the fire place if it stays cool, and I was teasing and said "and.... and.....and....." and he kind of chuckled and said "you got the rest of it last night".
I am very confused, I don't know what to think of his "all over the place" behavior. Of course the crazymaker wants me to think he and OW are back at it....I saw her come in to work about 5 minutes late... But maybe it's just that we have very different LL's/"turn on" buttons and don't understand that still after all these years. maybe that's part of the problem and maybe the looks of surprise on his face are an indication that for the first time we are starting to recognize those differences. could this be positive stuff rather than negative?
I could really use any and every ones thoughts on this as I try to sort it out.......
I hope this is another good weekend....they are what keeps me going sometimes.
I found this in Hoping for 2nd Chances "reconstruction" thread , and felt so strongly I needed it that I copied it here...Hope you don't mind Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I read somewhere a very simple line that went something like, "I can not live my life auditioning for someone's love." That simple sentence hit me like a bolt of lightening because I realized that my walking on egg shells was exactly that, "auditioning" for my H's love. In that moment of realization I became furious with myself and ashamed of my own pathetic behavior.
There I was, a reasonably successful, professional woman, attractive, well respected by my peers, educated and engaged with the 'outside world,' and yet, the minute I stepped over the threshold of my home I turned into a simpering, frightened child. I realized that I WASN'T living, I was existing in the hope that I could regain my H's love. I sat that night and weighed all the pros and cons of our life together and his betrayal and in a flash I was finally at peace and a sense of calm resolve over took me. In that instant I had decided that my life was far to valuable to allow myself to live in the shadow of my H's self indulgences any longer.
I immediatelly regained my strength of character, my commitment to take back control of my own happiness and promised myself that I would NEVER allow MY life to come second to anyone ever again.
From that day forward I spoke my mind, I swept up all the egg shells in my house and never walked on them again. I set immoveable boundaries for myself and under no condition am I ever going to be willing to allow anyone to ever cross them on me again.
Once I regained my sense of self and dignity again my H suddenly began to start walking the talk of a remorseful and humbled man.
The result has been that my H and I are now enjoying our life together. We have learned a new level of respect for each other, a new and better way of confronting our issues respectfully and calmly and our house hasn't been this peaceful in years.
Take back control of your life Allii, and with it, may very well come your H, and THAT is my wish for YOU. T2
T2--love this!! Found it under newcomers and wanted it for me. "auditioning" is an interesting way to look at at it...maybe that's what I've been doing and H could care less...says "bring on the next one" I'm still not happy.
Hope--that he can blame anybody else but himself is funny in a way...I mean look at all the things he's done in his life. His brother working on his own yard, rather than help out his parents--where by the way there were more than enough people helping out--yet H thinks it okay to walk out on his family for an OW?
I don't know what it's going to take H either to realize that everything he's looking for is there--inside of him.
I think I have started to make or am making progress in detaching, however....this morning I found my post I'd printed from March 6 when I was absolutely nuts about confronting H about going to OW's w/polaroid....(which I believe was mistaken on my part, oops, big time oops)...I felt so oddly unemotional and distanced from it, kind of like "why was I ever so upset about that?"....however, I recall clearly that what set me up and drove me over the edge was an email I found from OW to H saying how she'd loved celebrating his b-day in his office with him (march 4) and how if you have to work to hard on a relationship it isn't right/meant to be, and how awstruck she was to be chosen as his partner, and how she couldnt take off work on May 21 (her b-day, as I discovered yesterday).
It just strikes me as so odd that I can remember so clearly the exact email that brought all this up, yet it does feel like so much wasted energy as I look back.....one of these days, when I have plenty of ink and paper! I'm going to print off my old threads and flip back through them to see how things have progressed.
For today, I'm considering how to sweep out the egg shells and the pros and cons of our life together, as in the last post that I "swiped"....I'm also finishing planting flowers and going to have fun watching a movie tonight.... I also think I'm going to initiate a discussion with H...not about R or OW, but about what "turns him on". I don't seem to be very good at guessing. myabe I'll bring it up at lunch today and see what happens!
Quote: I also think I'm going to initiate a discussion with H...not about R or OW, but about what "turns him on". I don't seem to be very good at guessing. myabe I'll bring it up at lunch today and see what happens!
Deb...I just want to offer two cautions about this...
First off, my h is VERY action oriented, not word oriented...what about your H? A conversation like this would freak my h out a bit if it were sort of pointed...he would perceive it as confrontational and likely wouldn't react well...
how do you think your h would react? Maybe it makes sense to make a comment or two (like "I'd love to get some ideas from you...") well before the conversation? I'm seeing lately that my h likes some advance "warning".
But secondly, and more importantly right now, you've posted a bit in the last few days about h expressing feeling smothered or overwhelmed by your approaching him physically...maybe NOW just isn't the right time to be pursuing this conversation with him?
What if, instead, you took a wait and see approach and used the time to try to pick up clues from him?
BTW -- I know how compelling the desire can be to ask about this kind of stuff...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
You need to show your H what you have got that is better than OW. And you should strut it in front of HER too.
. So I gave him just a little one, said I would be careful not to "smother" him and told him I loved "smooches", so it was hard work for me to resist, but I was working to. 