On the long and lonely road - trying to own it

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Jeep, and KevinIn. You guys are great.

I still feel crap though, because as KevinIn astutely pointed out, this is not a 180 for me. Just more of the same. I find it difficult to strike that balance, where I am supposed to be firm but gracious.

it's a path we all have to find. You do want the 180s (b/c you said you wanted to be the best version of yourself, not about your h) so that's something to work on. For you.


When it comes to legal or financial matters, the time to discuss them is NOT after you come home from a dinner out, or have had any alcohol, or are already apologizing for anything.

These legal/money matters are for the lawyers and ONLY for the lawyers.

I would not circumvent the L's in your situation - b/c in your shoes, having a young child and a foreign homeland...and you know your STBX wants to keep you and your son in HIS country....it's a bad idea to think you can work it out privately, while so emotionally invested, thinking out all the long term permutations and possibilities.

Plus I'm not sure how to get an enforceable agreement about custody.
What makes you think that he will return your son to your homeland after holidays are over?

Because he says he will? What's your lawyer say? How are these things enforced? I don't mean what the law "says" (and I'm a L)

I mean when there's no money put in the bank how do you get it from him? And when he keeps the son "for the sake of the son", how do you fight him in court

in the UK?

What about you having physical custody of the child and allowing your h visitation until your son is 14 (or whatever age is legally applicable there)?

I mean you have a support system and that means so does your son. H has his parents and a brother and are they available for child care?

Again, what does your L say?

Please, graciousness or anger or 180 issues aside,

do not discuss or ever sign anything about the property division or custody issues on your own.

You can graciously say you need time to run things by your L...and will get back to him (and then let the lawyer get back to his lawyer)...

Yes it costs more to engage the L's this^^ way - in the short run,

but with the high stakes and your h's history, I cannot imagine trusting him long term.


I think because I am not experienced at being gracious and calm when disagreeing with him (somehow I can do it with other people but emotions too near the surface with WH), I go to the extreme of doormat, and then swing wildly the other way because I get so annoyed with myself, straight to T-Rex

well it's something to work on. Assuming it's not about money or the divorce,

Maybe start by stating what you agree on like "I know we both love son..."

and then give your opinion and sometimes I had to pray (turning things over to the Big Guy -out loud) before any expected contact.

Other times I'd pretend I had been given a sedative and would ACT a lot calmer than I felt. Just to know I was not escalating things.

Sometimes (often) h escalated, sometimes irrationally, and then I'd get more calm. It was almost weird.

The calmer person is the one with the most power -

and reminding myself of this^^ was very useful. Don't give away your power.
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