3.5 Months of Pain - Fork in the Road

[MoveFrwd]

DISCLAIMER: I am fully aware of (Detachment)

Id advise you read through that thread again.

Let me ask you a question - what if the answer to all of your question is 'yes'? what if the answers are 'no'?

Frankly, it doesnt really matter much what the answers are, because theyre almost all conjecture anyway. Its not that they belong on another websites, it's that the answers dont matter to the path you need to take.

[resolut]

Agreed, but again hard to do. Can't just flip a switch after 16 years and stop caring about someone that was in your life all day, everyday.

Hi Sellout - I don't have a lot of advice but my situation is similar to yours. My wife has deeply betrayed me after 25 years of marriage. You can read about how I've been processing this over on my thread.

It took me a while to accept that she just doesn't care about me any more and maybe she never will again. It hurt badly to start understanding and believing that. In my case it happened incredibly fast that she pulled away from me. Almost the snap of her fingers from my standpoint. From hers I think it was years. From there I had to accept that I can't control her and it was best for myself to let her go. And no its not a process that happened over night. It took weeks and I made plenty of mistakes. I still accept that I will make mistakes. I'm imperfect.

Now I will admit that by letting her go that doesn't mean I'm accepting her behavior. I Am not and I told her so again last night: "What you are doing is not ok and it is hurting me badly." But I'm choosing not to return hate and vengeance back to her. Not because I want her back but because someday I want to have the clear conscience that I tried everything I could to save the marriage and I was not a vindictive person in the process despite what was done to me. Ultimately she is likely to face the tremendous guilt of it all and at that point I will have upgraded my life from her.

Keep reading the 37 rules over and over. Read Sandi2's writings and read the validation thread. This is what I did and started walking daily. 2, 4, 6 miles etc. and letting all of this stuff sink in and owning it.

[sellout]

All: great responses, question, comments, etc... So again, let me preface by saying that I am following the rules very well these days. With that said, it doesn't stop the fact that you still wonder what IS/Going to happen with the end result.

After a discussion with my counselor and church support group and telling them a lot of the details that have transpired over the last 7-10 days, the consensus what that my wife is not done with the marriage. She is conflicted, confused, hurt and scared that if she comes back that it will turn into same situation as before. Needless to say, I patiently continue my journey and get her time.

One thing that stood out to me that my counselor said was the following: Reminder that she wanted to take a "family trip" for the 4th of July. When I told counselor about this, he response was that if she was so happy and serious with OM, she would risk going on a family vacation with the pending divorce and OM getting mad (which of course he would). It should the value she places on their current relationship. He also thought it was an olive branch and to proceed with caution.

That coupled with her ceasing all divorce/attorney talk, talking about wanting to keep the house, her being very nice and polite to me, speaks volumes. Yes, as far as I know she is still seeing OM, but honestly I can actually see that fading, and see light at the end of the tunnel. My hope is that within 1 month I will be posting in the piecing thread.

I know my wife and if she wants something (i.e. divorce) she will push hard and make it happen. She is not pushing, so I need to be patient. I told my attorney that I want to "stall" a little bit on the divorce to buy a little time here. I advised him that under no circumstance is this to be shared with her attorney and its needs to stay quite.

Last, still working on myself and doing a great job.

Comments?

[EastTN]

Being analytical within yourself doesn't jeopardize anything with reconciling. Its natural to wonder.

I'm guessing your personality is like mine. You can't help it. You analyze EVERYTHING, probably unconsciously, to the point that you even do it while you sleep. Am I right?

I'll reiterate: you can't analyze your way out of this. There is nothing in your sphere of control that can fix this. No solution you can devise to the problem. All you can do is let go, and work on being the best you that you can be. For you, not for her.

[sellout]

EastTN - one thing i would like to say about your comment about "All you can do is let go".

While somewhat true, you also need to be in tune with what wife is saying/doing and react in such a way that will advance your chances. You can't just bury you head in the sand, do nothing at all and hope to get the phone call one day to reconcile.

As Michelle says, do what works and stop doing what doesn't work.

[Thornton]

Actually, my W came back 2x with complete and total no contact both times. Both times she reached out to me.

[sellout]

Thorton: that is great, but again, what works for one may not work for the other. We all must work the program the best we feel fit and for me if an olive branch is extended I will grab it (within reason).

[sellout]

I want to share a few bullet points that have happened in last 2 weeks that makes me hopeful. What is everyone's thoughts?

1. Wife has ceased all communication about divorce.

2. Wife does not respond to divorce questions/comments or says she needs to think about it and never gets back with me about it.

3. She invited me on a walk at sons baseball game.

4. We sat next to each other a baseball game for 1.5 hours and all positive talk.

5. She wanted us a family to go on vacation in July.

6. She sends friendly texts thanking me for taking care of house things and menial tasks.

7. When a simple FYI text that I send requires no follow up, she will send follow questions that are not required or needed.

8. Her acceptance and extreme joy of the little flower that I picked and gave her. She texted me immediately about the meaning of the flower and that she was going to try and root it to keep it alive.

9. Several more little things, that if you knew my wife you would understand.

[Ginger1]

I am curious,

Would you go on that family vacation if she was still dating OM?

I hate to take the wind out of your sails, and I am glad you are seeing positives, but.....

Why would she push for divorce? She has your companionship, you doing stuff around the house, she can play family with you, you pick her flowers...

All while she is openly dating some other guy.

Why would she push for a divorce? She has it made!

[sellout]

Would I take vacation? Undecided at this point. You have to understand my wife. There is NO WAY she would take a vacation with me if she didn't have some sort of connection with me. Also, needless to say, it would piss the OM off and that is a positive.

She is not the type of woman that takes advantage of me or people in general. She is truly conflicted and testing the waters. Your not taking the wind out of my sails. I have just come to the realization that baby steps need to be made to salvage the marriage.

She is the type of woman that if she didn't have an emotional connection with me she wold have thrown the flower to the ground and stomped it with her shoe.

She was the one that was first pushing hard for the divorce to go quickly. This was 2 months ago when I was still very emotional, etc...

At the end of the day here is what is happening...

1. Deep down she wants to work on the marriage
2. She is skeptical of all of the changes that I have made and needs to know deep down that they will stick.
3. I have to be patient and be here when she reaches out.