On the long and lonely road - trying to own it

[15Stang]

2016,
The pain does hurt. It is ok to feel it. Not that you are but don't stuff it. My upcoming divorce and the multiple affairs and betrayals have been the most pain I have ever experienced. This type of pain shapes you. It molds you. The best news is that it can shape you and mold you for the better. But you have to choose that.

I have been separated from my W for almost 3 months. I actually think I am in a pretty good place. I believe this is because of the support I have received but it is also the result of the work I have done on myself through the last three years of our marriage. My wife's affairs have made me the person I am today. And I can honestly say I am a much better person today and a much better husband today than I was three years ago. I love my wife but she is a fool to leave me. That she thinks the OM will make her happy is ridiculous. He is as broken as she is. But my guess is they display a happy front to everyone.

The OM has also met my in laws. My in laws have met his kids. My in laws stopped talking to me 2 weeks after she left. They hate conflict and I know they will not make a stand to their daughter. I hate feeling like I have been so thoroughly and quickly replaced. I feel like such a used person. I feel like all I was good for was for my wife to use me until she became bored and then find another person.

i know people reap what they sow. I also know that it is not in our timing and it is also completely possible we will not see them suffer (due to seasons of life etc). I would love to see my wife's affair blow up watching from the sidelines. But truthfully that isn't forgiveness. I do want her to come to a place of brokenness and repentance but watching her suffer would hurt me a lot. I have chosen to bear the cost of her decisions. Not because she deserves it or because what she has done to me isn't wrong. I choose to bear it because I WILL NOT become her prison guard making sure she gets what she deserves. Truthfully me waiting for her to suffer actually causes me to suffer. But yes.... people always reap what they sow. We are not in charge of the timetable.

I can think of a few people in my state that ran Ponzi schemes for quite some time. For years, decades, they enjoyed the good life sowing destruction and eventually one day it caught up to them. They are now paying the price. I say this from my own point of view.... I would rather be in the position I am in doing what I know to be right than living a lie or life that I know is wrong. I sleep well at night again. I didn't for the first month because of the emotional stress and pain. But I do not go do bed guilty knowing I have forsaken my morals and values. If I was in an affair and doing what my wife was doing or running a Ponzi scheme I would be such a wreck on the inside even though I could display a person that is happy. This is not the way I would want to live my life. I want to live with integrity.

This journey we are on completely stinks. But as a person of faith God will use it to make you better and to make you more like Jesus. It hurts. There is pain and suffering. It is crushing to feel like you are nothing more than someone to be thrown away because you aren't good enough anymore. You will second guess yourself and blame yourself for all of the wrong in the marriage. Don't fall into that trap. You did not cause someone to have an affair. The affair is not a symptom of a bad marriage. Don't believe this lie because a lot of people will tell you the an affair is a symptom of the marriage. The affair revelals the kind of character a person has.

Marriage is tough and hard work. Affairs are easy. My wife and I had a pretty good marriage. Neither of us were perfect. She chose to find someone else to cope with her struggles. I could have done the same but I didn't.

As for your divorce I cannot help you. In my state all divorce is "irreconcilable differences" and we are a no fault state. I am ill equipped to provide you with any counsel.

You can and will get through this. God will protect you and comfort you. It is one day at a time. I am a planner by nature and living one day at a time has been tough. But it has taught me a lot.

I am so sorry for your pain. You are a worthy person. Just because someone tells your or acts towards you like you are not doesn't mean it is true. You are worthy of love.
E