I want to move back home with every fibre of my being. But my little boy will struggle. and miss his father, as heinous as his behaviour has been to me, they love each other and I don't want to be the cause of their missing each other.
My son said to me this morning, "Mummy, I love you and Daddy. I love you both." I affirmed this and said it was good that he loves us both, that's the way it should be.
He's cried at night for the last couple of nights saying 'I want Daddy.' If we move back to my home country I can't say, 'You'll see him soon', which is what I can say now. WH would only be able to see our son during his school holidays, which is probably twice a year, feasibly.
I don't want to be martyr, but I don't want to be a villain either.
In all my decisions now, including whether to be the one to file for divorce based on adultery or not, I am trying to do God's will. I've realised I'm at this point because I acted in a very selfish, immature, ungodly way before. I struggled for a long time, seeing this as punishment and being angry with God because it felt so unfair that I should be punished so harshly. But in the last day it's occurred to me that this is not God' punishment per se. It's just a natural consequence of my previous behaviour. Be unloving and be unloved. I am thinking this is why the Bible tries to guide us down a certain path - to act differently outside what is advised will be to reap, and sow, ill fortune. It's a road map to not creating our own misfortune.
My husband will have consequences of his own, but they will be specific to his actions. I think. I hope.
