Flotsam

[25yearsmlc]

PS

I do think I'll be fine in the relatively near future. Knowing that helps me a lot, now.

here is something another DBer wrote to me that was also helpful (and she knew my h)


Please, 25, - everything he says is just bs at this point.

25 - IDK if your h will ever be able to be truly at peace with what he has done to you and the kids...

Seriously.

Not saying this to console you, or make you feel superior; but I think he will be haunted by his actions - one way or another - for the rest of his life.

If he is a decent human being, regret, shame and guilt will
sooner or later get the best of him.

You simply cannot inflict such pain and damage to those who Love you the most, and emerge unscathed.

And if he is truly devoid of kindness and empathy, then you are better off without him, despite so much pain and destruction.

You WILL rise above all of this and THRIVE.
You just need to have faith (even when sometimes you cannot fathom things getting better) and really fake it till you make it.

You and your kids deserve better after so many years of struggling as a family.


this^^ I believe in my heart.

Like most of us, there is a deeply rooted fear, even if we know it's not true, that NOW the h will "really be happy b/c the problem was ME all along"...

and that is what the WAS (whatever label applies, narcissist, MLCer or just a selfish critical controlling spouse, does to us...BLAME, play the victim and project a ton of crap we sometimes begin to accept at a subconscious level.

I have to examine my stuff, such as my ability to ignore red flags and

why I only saw what validated my choice to stay, (among many other things I need to work on).

When I ponder what his regret might look like (I still have those fantasies, I admit. I just don't know if it's my ego or an actual desire OR that we 've been married so long I cannot really grasp what life will be like without h)

but I envision more realistically now.

So h could apologize on his death bed with a feeble "I guess i could have handled things better"

OR he could just shake his fist, still mad at me for "trying to take away all HIS money"....

equally possible.

h might really never look at his choices and never dig deep to settle some issues that I know he has had, even before this debacle. Never see the pain he caused or never see the connection between his behavior and his lack of good r's with our kids...

Seeing them twice a year (someday) might be enough for him to feel good bout himself as a dad

or blame me for "turning them against" him...who knows?

I think all we can do now is our end of things to "up our joy score" in the equation of life.

No matter what they tell us, or act like OR even if they really are "happier",

that may not have anything to do with us

and so its about us getting ourselves to a good place?

I mean, isn't that all we can really do, now?

The man I married and loved deeply for decades, is for all intents and purposes,

dead to me.

When I think of it that way (not gleefully, just that he's NOT a factor in with my choices)

I do feel a lot lighter and freer.