God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves

[Underdog]

Hey Ju,

I'm not on much anymore, but I felt the pull of your post. Just dropping in to add a few pennies to the conversation and give you stuff to consider.

I'm the sister of a drug addicted brother, who lost his life to complications from that addiction 2 1/2 years ago. I'm now also close to his XW.

because it seems like the drugs he has a problem with are drugs that are not easy to overcome. I am pretty sure that they are hard core.

I cannot emphasize this sentiment enough. Do you actually know why drug addiction is a disease? I heard that bandied about most of my early adult life, and it wasn't until much later that I found out. Some drugs, the instant they are taken, change the chemical makeup of the brain. Once that happens, for the individuals who are affected by the changes, it can't go back to the old wiring. With help, those neurologic events can be bypassed. Without help, they cannot.

So like people with many other diseases, it can be treated but never cured.

You can't want sobriety for him more than he does. You can't fix this - you're a bystander who happens to love him.

At one time he was really a nice guy. He cried during my labor because of the complications and pain I was going through.

I absolutely believe you. My brother was sweet and considerate with a big heart when he wasn't in his addict mode. He can't help it. His addiction has taken over his life.

He really turned into someone that was so manipulative and so selfish and so evasive.

Yep, they're the best liars and manipulators on the planet. And if you feel gaslighted, I'm here to say I can promise he engineered that. It's how they are able to hide things as long as they can. I'm not here to tell you my story with it - it's ugly and painful and the ending was as cathartic as it comes. There was healing in his passing.

In the after school television programs, they admit there is a problem, apologize and get better.

That's because they want to instill hope that there can be treatment. But it starts with the addict and ends with them. If they are not willing to do everything possible to maintain sobriety, it will NEVER have a happy ending.

But here's the thing. I don't feel good moving on.

I am just so normal. I do not like to stand out. I like being free of drama and conflict and I always made decisions based on practicality. So this being my life is hard to deal with.

I can promise you that you already stand out. You're also a walking soap opera because of him. You are a casualty in his war, and this drama is not one to attack with practicality.

I hate that at work, I am pittied. The person that people will feel bad for.

I say this in peace, my friend. At some point, some people won't extend compassion. You will be a reasonable person who isn't willing to stand up for herself and her son and some people will be unkind to your face and some will talk behind your back. They will disrespect you. You might even jeopardize your relationship with your son down the road.

And I know how ashamed he would be if he was capable of really seeing what happened. I do not know if he will be able to ever fact the reality of what he has done.

Listen, I'm sure he *is* ashamed. But his addiction holds all the cards and he can't change course until he's willing to hit rock bottom and claw his way back to the top. Very few (in the grand scheme of addiction) in that war decide to do it, but I do know quite a few who have.

My SIL was counseled by her parents, my dad, my sister and I to protect herself and their 2 girls. They owned a business together, and my brother siphoned all of it for heroin. She was left with pretty much nothing and has had to claw her own way back. Although she loved my brother (and still does), she divorced him to protect her children from the financial free fall he was putting them through. She took over the reins of their business and employed my brother. And her subsequent amour wound up liking my brother and making him a death bed promise to take care of his girls, and promised that he would always keep his memory alive in the youngest (who was 6 at the time).

Three years later, we're still able to make sure that she has a relationship with the living man who loves her and not the ghost she once loved.

You aren't the first person to love an addict, Ju. It's a heart breaking path, especially when the addict just can't seem to stay clean. If you were my sister or friend in real life, I would have this conversation with you on an ongoing and supportive basis.

I loved my brother with all my heart. I miss him. He and I had the same quirky and sometimes evil sense of humor, and we found a way to communicate with each other when we were angry. Toward the end, I had to shut him out of my life - he left a swath of destruction in his wake, and EVERYONE he loved and who loved him was caught in the web. We loved each other and all felt the same way, but we turned on each other out of sheer frustration. My brother provided peace and healing in this wide wake with his passing - and we've all committed to each other that we have each other's backs.

My niece turns 9 next month. And I think it's absolutely awful that she has to grow up without a dad because he couldn't find her reason enough to claw his way to permanent sobriety. I was super angry with him for a long time after he died. I was taking his daughter places and thinking, "A*hole, this is YOUR job." (Not that I hate doing it, it's just that he would have had a blast doing it - if that makes any sense.)

You love a person whose demons, by virtue of their physical properties, have a bigger hold on him than anything else in this world. Nothing you can do or say will change this, Ju.

I don't want you to not have hope. I know you're not a religious person, but you DO have spiritualism in you. It doesn't take much to meditate and offer positive thoughts to heal the situation. Direct those thoughts toward him and yourself. Find a few Youtube videos on meditation. It's a spiritual form of prayer. And just because you weren't raised that way doesn't mean there isn't healthy benefits to the practice.

The system can only protect you if you protect yourself first. After that, you can still offer him the chance to connect with you and your son when it's good for you. You can offer him support without being sucked into the quicksand. That's called loving detachment. It really does work.

Big hugs for you, sister. It's a tough road to hoe. You deserve to live your life the way you want to - and that might mean leaving him be to figure things out while you move forward. (Notice I did not say move on. Moving forward means loving yourself first and putting your son's needs above all else. He deserves that.)

Betsey