On the long and lonely road - trying to own it

[15Stang]

2016,
I thought I'd offer up my thoughts based from my experience.

You asked "Does anyone reading have faith in God? Why is this happening?"

I'll do my best to provide an answer. You can read up on my situation to see what I've had to deal with.

I follow Jesus and I live out my faith in God. I've asked the question many times to God "why is this happening?" My STBXW would also state she is a christian. I never, ever thought I'd be facing a divorce in my life. I thought my wife and I would work through anything. This is false thinking on my part as it assumes the other person will act or behave like I do. Realizing this false thinking has been really hard to accept.

Quick synopsis of my sitch- My wife is leaving me for a man who is far inferior to me in many ways (financial, character, integrity, real love, morality, etc). The hurtful truth is he is probably also better than me in areas that I struggle in (communication). Right now my wife has had the best of both worlds. She is able to do what she wants with the financial settlement from the pending divorce and assets we have acquired through our marriage. I probably meet 80%-90% of her needs. The OM has only been responsible to meet 10%-20% of her needs throughout the affair. Maybe he will be able to meet all of her needs but since I know him very well I am certain this will not happen. My wife wouldn't admit it but broken (her) has attracted broken (him) and it will be very difficult for her to achieve happiness. Once the emotional high wears off is when the issues they have will come to light. Right now they both blame their current (soon to be divorced spouses). One thing I have learned over the last 3 years dealing with my W's affairs is "pain that is not transformed WILL BE transmitted". I have seen this play out in my marriage and in the OM's marriage. He was my best friend and would confide in me the pain he was still dealing with from his own parents affair and divorce. My wife has dealt with a lot of pain before our marriage as well. I have also contributed to her pain (which is 100% on me to own). None of this makes it ok to abandon a spouse and not honor your commitments. This is also something I've learned over the past 3 years. "People don't leave what they have unless what they think they are going to is better."

Enough about me- Now to try to help you with your question. "Why is this happening?" I am so sorry for your situation and I am sorry that you have so little control of the outcome. I know how helpless it feels and my heart weeps for you. The truth is God doesn't owe us an explanation. We are to trust Him with the outcome (and yes I know how hard this really is when your heart has been crushed). 2 verses that have helped me are: Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. NIV"
Proverbs 16:25 "There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death. NLT" This statement appears multiple times in Proverbs as King Solomon repeated it to emphasize the importance of following God's way. We are easily deceived.

I mentioned above that "people don't leave what they have unless they think what they are going to is better". I hate this quote but it is 100% true. The issue for me is while it is true it can be based in 100% wrongness. This is how Proverbs 16:25 works within the quote above. I, you, others all have plans and "think" our way is the best and right. Some of us even follow our thinking without ever questioning our decisions and thinking. The warning is quite clear. It leads to death, bad things, bad situations, regret, etc. This is as true for the LBS and the spouse that is leaving. All of us can make horrible choices and hurt countless others in the process. To answer your question "why is this happening" the answer is simple and I don't mean to make light of it. The answer is.... people are allowed to make their own choices. Sometimes those choices are made for all of the wrong reasons. Those choices hurt and injure many people. But here is the rub that really gets me..... They wouldn't be making those choices if they didn't THINK it was going to be better. This doesn't mean their thinking is correct. But from their perspective they believe they are correct. The LBS and others pay a hell of a cost suffering through the choices of their spouses. It is not fair and it is not right. But we cannot control another person. I'll repeat this for my own good as I'm still learning it: We cannot control another person.

I'll end with this (as it relates to my situation)
-Is God in control?- Yes
-Why did He allow it to happen?- Because people have free choice
-Will God tell me why it is happening?- I don't know
-Will God restore my marriage?- Only God knows
-Am I at fault for my spouse's choices?- No. Never. Regardless of the justification.
-Does this situation hurt worse than anything?- Yes, but we control how we choose to respond.
-Will I be ok? Yes, because I choose to be
-What will happen to my STBXW?- I don't know, but I firmly believe in "You reap what you sow."

I'm so sorry for your situation 2016. I would never wish this kind of pain and hurt on anyone. While I do not know you please know that you are worth far more than how you are being treated. This has taken some time for me to learn. I am (you are) worthy of being loved and chosen. I am (you are) worthy of respect and dignity.
Prayers and hugs to you.
e