Hey Deb, sorry to see things going up and down for you still.
I also have a fear that H is beginning to talk to OW again based on his mood around me these last few days. Nothing concrete. Instead of assuming, I began to look for other reasons. Not trying to deceive myself, but to consider other options. He is having a really stressful time at work, also. So, please, don't assume. I hope you are wrong in your feelings.
Cheer up, get your PMA up! Get out and sing or dance or howl at the moon (or the sun).
It's hard - I think giving an ultimatum can backfire temporarily, though in the end it might bring them back. There is no way to know.
During the time my ex-b had gotten mean, I was sure there was someone else at the time (and I was pretty sure I knew who it was). At that point it appears to have been an EA, later a *very* short-term PA, and I could tell when it was likely over because he came out of the anger towards me.
You can't always assume, but having another person in the picture can create anger. What I'd worry about is him saying that you were taking his air. He's feeling smothered, and you don't want that. Let him initiate anything. Tempt him, don't force him.
I know it's really difficult. I can't be around ex-b easily without wanting to attack him - so I don't try to start anything unless I think it is okay. I mean...I may flash him, I'll kiss him goodbye, but I won't jump him or give him large kisses or anything unless I feel he'll respond well. It's helped a lot, at least for now. And I dress sexier.
The thing though also is...you don't want him just sexually, but emotionally. There are moments I can feel I have ex-b in an emotional way - but other times he's closed off. You have to be inviting in every way. I've taken up more of ex-b's hobbies, and he's been really good to me these last few weeks. Even if it ends, I'm glad to have gotten him back for the last 10 months, and not had the last rememberance of him be that awful alien.
Kind of a hard evening tonight, I dropped S a religion class, and OW was leaving just as we pulled in. Thats unusual because she's usually late. Of course the crazymaker thinks shes heading for my house to see H....so I'm trying really hard to get a grip on myself....I absolutely refuse to give in to the undignified urge to follow her through town again (did t hat a month or so ago when I first took him to class) H talked to me about work before I left, I did notice him glance at the clock once, but I guess that's not unusual....usually he hurries to care for animals to get walking before the sun goes down. I did tell him I'd love a hug, and he said "sure" and gave me one, said he was really upset about work and it would take him a few days to calm down....It is so hard for me to not be clingy....I just said "see you later" and left.....I don't want to be clingy....I know it drives him nuts, and I'm hoping she's being clingy.....I sure want to let her be the only "clingon".....
I just am having trouble taking that leap of faith I guess. when I visualize my life 2 years down the road though, I see this all resolved with us still together and OW out of the picture...sure hope that's accurate or a self-fulfilling prophecy
I did get an ego boost today. I went to my son's school to do a presentation for a class. I talked w/the counselor while I was there, who asked how things were at home...I consider him a friend so didn't mind telling him...have told him about it when it all broke loose. It's kind of an interesting sitch because I've known the counselor in other professional capacities for 20 years and H has known him for 35 years, at least, because the counselor was his pe/health teacher and coach in 8th grade. Of course this was in a tiny town and H was oldest of 5, so counselor also knows my IL's well.
Anyway, I told him that H tells me he isn't seeing OW but still calls her & talks w/her & that gives me a lot of questions....He was pretty astounded that I was still hanging in there....shaking his head...then he said "you are absolutely incredible, you look great and you are laughing in this whole situation - I guess there are silver linings in every cloud". That kind of was a nice pick me up...I guess I need any boost I can get, but nice to know I'm not going around like a sad sack all the time. I told the counselor that i still had my bomb and that if worse ever came to worse I would drop it and OW would never know what hit her.....the ATOMIC MOTHER-IN-LAW....counselors eyes got big and he started laughing and said "that's for sure" (remember, he saw her through 5 kids in school)....then he said, "knowing his dad like I do, I'd imagine he could kick him into orbit"....told him yes, it's been like holding back 2 rabid dogs. .....
Just an interesting conversation, nice to know a guy thought I looked good....(counselor's not too uncool, but he's married makes a difference to me, even if not to some people) I also loved knowing he agreed about Atomic MIL. I will get great satisfaction from hearing the whoosh of the fire storm if I ever need to unleash it.
HMMMMMM....wave any straw my direction and I'll grasp it! I was just thinking, when H & I hugged goodbye, he hadnt used mouthwash...and he's just eaten a hamburger w/an onion....not to be gross, but it struck me that was very different from the days not so long ago when he would head out the door to take S to class reeking so strongly of mouthwash that I was afraid he'd cause candles in the kitchen to flare up! .......hmmmmm, maybe....
I guess I should hope he only talks to her on the phone. Of course the fear is that it will flare right back up again
I know he really is upset about work right now, and last weekend was absolutely great, so it's possible it's a combination of him being upset over work and me being so over sensitized.
I'm still looking foward to ideas for "sexy stuff" to turn on H....he's kind of a fuddy-duddy the last couple of weeks, not really I guess, but just not where I am these days.... I've done almost every suggestion in the "marriagebed.com" suggestion list.....in fact I think I've done them all, and some times they work and sometimes he just plain isn't in the mood. Says he can't handle eveyday. sure is a turn of events.....guess I'll just back off a while and a little and see what happens. Gonna go get S....o yay, I'll get to see the b---h. S is still laughing over the look on her face when I "flipped her off" last week. Yep, that's me, the cool calm mature one. I guess she wouldnt have been so shocked if it wasnt so out of character though....teheheheh....should I tell her there's more where that came from? Naaaaaaaa, guess not, darn it.
deb your focus and detachment is PHENOMENAL. dont let the green eyed alien take over. He's noticing your changes - make sure they are legit and go with them. The OW is probably all clingy and needy - dont be that way... You are SO better than that. Go YOU red hot mama!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Thanks Bill, for the encouragement. I am always surprised how I do ok sometimes, feel confident and even excited about life and looking foward to "things to come" (that is a change!) and then it's like tentacles come out of some swirling black hole and suck me down suddenly (do you thnk I've been watching too many movies, LOL?) Honestly being able to be excited and look foward to things is a change, when I stop and think about it, so I guess that is a positive I should focus on. I sure hope you're right that H notices changes I've made....as time goes on I do begin to feel stronger with them, and I know I never want to go back to the way things were....no matter what happens with us... I think my antidepressants must have had time to kick in for real, guess maybe I've needed them for years, frankly.
I hope OW is clingy and whiny....S grumps about how whiny she would be sometimes last fall when things were good between H and her, when he would take S with him to visit her and I was still oblivious....S said his dad pretty much ignored it, but it drove S up the wall....HMMMMMMMMM......maybe H was so "head over heels" he didn't notice it then, but if she was whiny then with things going her way, she might really be a fine number now......I know H absolutely hates it, so, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and trying to be calm and backed off.
Actually yesterday evening turned out to be ok, much to my relief. I got to class to pick up S just as class let out, and OW was already pulling out of parking lot...S said she'd come in in a "big hurry" and didn't look very happy....she'd dropped her D off early as well...both of these are unusual, she's usually late????? S said "I get the feeling she doesnt want to see you any more than you want to see her, and I even think she's afraid of you mom".....Of course I set a GREAT example with my calm, dignified response of "good, maybe she needs to be". Hmmmm. I never considered she might dread me as much as I dread her....I wonder if its good or bad? My first thought is it's good, that if things were going her way, she wouldnt be not wanting to see me. Then of course the crazymaker jumps in with "maybe she knows something I don't know and is afraid of what I'll do when I find out"....Oh, who can tell, it really is a cheeseless tunnel although hard to stay out of completely. However, I kind of lean towards maybe things aren't going her way, because we actually had a pretty good evening all 3 together. When we got home, H was there, leaning against kitchen counter drinking a bottle of fitness water. H was warm but not as sweaty as sometimes, had "hat hair" like he'd been out walking....he gave me a hug and a little "peck"...not a real romantic one, but a nice one, and he wasnt all after-shaved and mouthwashed. Then I noticed he had a little tick on the back of his neck...If he had been all cuddled up w/her, I think he'd have been more groomed and not had a tick on him!
then I sat with H and S and we watched a little tv....this is a 180 for me, before the bomb, I would have felt like I needed to be doing house work, or "something constructive" now I consider "just hanging out" to be "constructive", and guess what, I enjoy it! If quality time is one of H's major LL's, than maybe it's a fun and easy way to meet some of his emotional needs.
We all laughed as we watched tv. It was a show on History channel, I think called "modern inventions"....one of the inventions was a "prostate gland warmer"....I was laughing so hard I had to go into the kitchen while H explained that one to S.....I didn't hear the explanation, but heard S say "oh gross". there were some other goodies. You just never know what you might find on TV!
H is warm and friendly, but not as "romantic" I guess you would say...not as cuddly...but I'm just giving him some distance while trying to be warm and friendly and receptive and "fun".... I know "clinginess" drives him nuts, and sometimes he perceives things as clingy that I don't see that way. Conversly, obviously I went too far the other way before because "distance" and that "you didn't care" were big "bomb time" complaints.... I'm not sure what it means, actually it's more like the "real" person I always knew, he was never the real romantic type (something I'd like a little more of), so I don't know....It's possible he's getting back to a more "level" or real place in his head, possible he's just preoccupied w/work, possible things have fired back up big-time w/OW.... I still think if he was w/her last night he'd have made sure he was all mouthwashed and combed and everything....grrrrrr....gotta get more detachment going here today, but my "gut instinct", which has proven to be pretty accurate, tells me he didn't see her last night.
This guy is hard to figure out! Sometimes I think I should quit trying to figue him out, but honestly part of the reason we got to this mess is that I didn't put more effort in to figureing out what makes him tick, so I guess again a middle ground here is what's needed.
I had a thought....not always a good thing for me, but....clear back last fall, when I first found out about everything, H told me OW had told/begged/pleaded with him not to leave her. If she was doing that then, when things were "good" and I wasnt even giving her any competition, she never was very confident about this all. yet she seems OH SO HAPPY and so forced cheerful when ever I catch a glimpse of her at work or on the phone. (not so much at rel. class, though)....but that might explain why it's so up & down for H, why he keeps calling her, why S perceived her as "whiny" when they were together....why H has said "things arent easy/great for her".....
I don't know, does this make anysense to any one else?
Any one else's spouse quit using so much "smell-good" stuff when they stopped seeing the OP?
MY prayer for today: Lord, help me be cool, calm and aollected, and let the OW be the clingy whiny one!
makes a difference to me, even if not to some people) I also loved knowing he agreed about Atomic MIL.