And sometimes I wish I could just be one of those B!tches and not care. Just be like "take care of your own stuff, call me when you do" If said warmly & sincerely, I don't see how this^^ is b1tchy. Honestly, I don't. Am I missing something? I guess I see a partner as someone to lean on and get support from. I want to support. But it's hard to do when it's all taking and none giving. That being said, he was very supportive when I ws going through a rough time at my work.
but I don't like when the ones I care about are so stressed and[b] I want to make it better. [/b] is it yours to make better? be nice if someone felt the same way about me.
It's not mine to make better but it's definitely an ingrained habit by me. I have always wanted to "save" people and try to ease their pain. Part growing up with my mother the way she was, part just a part of me, part, my profession
Ginger, what does it mean to have someone feel the same about you? That you want them to want to fix things in your life, or just really love you, or what? I'm not quite sure what the last line means.
I would like to receive a portion of what I give. I want to not be disposable and yes, I just really want to be loved.
Anyhow, I think you are discovering some things in him, in Rs, AND in yourself.
IMO, You don't know him that well, after all. Sorry but It's only been a few months, right? - In my world, that is not even a blink in time. I'd probably have nearly zero expectations my first year of dating, and I'm no spring chicken. I just don't see how I can "know" someone without that kind of time. To see how they handle stress and seasons and holidays and family and work and awkward social situations, etc. Only time reveals these things.
Yup, we are definitely learning eachother. I am older an dhave always lived with a high level of stress. I manage mine differently than his. I've learned over the years how to not let it affect me or others so much
Okay so I think what you are seeing in him, is that his business stresses him.
I hope it brings him some joy in the present, too...
You believe that when he seems stressed, that it is 1) business related,
and 2) it reduces his output to you and the R.
Whatever the stress emanates from, he won't be able to put the same energy into the R as he does when there are no other real life distractions. This seems normal...
When I studied for the bar exam, I was not as affectionate or attentive to my m. But if I pointedly began a business that forced me to keep taking the bar exam, I'd have been a lousy wife and mom.
This business and stress relationship is his stuff and his sandbox, but it relates to how he'd participate in the R. So, Is his side business an ebb & flow thing, cyclical and predictable, or ongoing & unrelenting? How will you handle things if it's the latter?
His business is seasonal. We met before the season when he was only at the firehouse every 4th day. No kids, lives with parents, his time off wasn't as busy and he was attentive and much happier. Then he couldn't find workers and he was panicking. He wants to sell. he doesn't want the stress anymore. he wants to work outside of the FH, but not have a stress of the business. So, I guess time will tell.
And What are you learning about yourself? What are your needs in a long term r?
I think I need some consistency, stability and reassurance. And to not be taken for granted. I am learning my insecurities from the cheating and the D have left scars.
Are there many needs, just a few basics? How can you lovingly & specifically express them so you can feel relationally safe?
Very few basics. At least I thought they were basic.
You mentioned abandonment issues. How does that affect your behavior with FF? Can you see that in some cases we bring about the very thing we most fear? I feel as if I am not the perfect girlfriend he will just walk out.
Are you working on this with the IC? I'm curious, are you GAL without FF?
Oh yeah, I work hard core on this in IC. She's been a great help.
Hang in there Ginger, we are all on a learning curve. Sometimes a steep one.
