I took some comfort in your message and tried to focus on it, but have had a couple of rough days. And in the last 24 hours, it's become A LOT worse.
Journaling... Wednesday was difficult. I was trying to clear out my inbox and stumbled across some emails from WH from October 2015. He writes he loves me and I reply with the same message. We talked about how much we were looking forward to having a week away at his parents' and being able to leave our son and go out for a while. That week turned out to be a horrible week because of renovation issues. But it made me really sad to see that we've gone from saying we really loved each other to planning a divorce in 18 months.
I felt that I was meant to see that email because it made my heart soften to WH. I felt God was telling me my marriage would be restored. I felt happy. I felt confident that he does love me, deep down, and OW is just a distraction from the pain he must be feeling.
I went out to have dinner with a girlfriend after work and had a really good time. She is the friend I can talk openly honestly about my faith because she shares it and I feel I can be open with her about standing for the marriage without being judged as crazy or weak. I was really open with her about how I feel love for WH and regret. And we talked about whether he would ever come back. I didn't bring that up. I've found over the last few days people keep asking me what I would do if WH came back. My reply is I don't know because I don't think it's likely. When I read about reconciliations on here it's always preceded by some kind of contact, which WH is not doing with me at all at the moment. He does want to talk, but only about our son, and doesn't ask me about myself.
Got home tipsy and happy. WH was waiting for me to arrive and seemed a bit uncomfortable, but I put it down to his being annoyed that I was late. I was relaxed and happy around him.
Had a hot shower, tumbled into bed, looked at emails. And saw it. His email saying he's instructed a lawyer to commence divorce proceedings and I should keep an eye out for important emails.
For about a couple of hours I was completely numb. I just read the email again and again, and in between I watched my beautiful boy sleeping. I started messaging my friends but I did it with an empty heart. No one can help me now.
I got maybe a couple of hours sleep. At the middle of the night I wrote back to WH. I told him I was disappointed he was applying for divorce on based on my unreasonable behaviour, instead of two year separation which I thought would be more fair. He would have to wait another year and OW is not going to let him so it has to be unreasonable behaviour. I told him I found those emails from October 2015 and how sad it made me feel. But that if this is what he needed to do, I understood. And I wished him the peace he was looking for.
This morning I told my son we could stop praying for Daddy to come home now, because he's not going to, but we were going to be all right. He looked confused and started talking about his transformers. I told him I loved him and this had nothing to do with him.
On the way to work WH called. He called to clarify that he was uncomfortable with the grounds for divorce but he had to do it to move things along. He apologised for letting me know before my trip. This is the first time I've spoke to him about anything else but our son in months. I asked him if he was happy. He said yes. I asked him if he loved her. He said yes. I asked him if he had ever considered reconciliation since he left for her in November. He said no. He kept saying he was sorry and he hoped I would find happiness with someone else.
I asked him about how he used to say I made him want to be a better man. He said I did do that for him - past tense. I asked him how he could be with someone like OW and her lack of integrity. Earlier on in the conversation he said she knew he was just starting divorce proceedings, which means he's confessed about lying to her about starting the divorce in July 2016, and she's still with him. I said to him she was demonstrating her lack of integrity and was he really going to give up everything to be with someone like that. He said he hadn't considered it from that angle.
I told him I loved him unconditionally, that I understood him better than anyone else in the world because I knew him better than anyone else in the world, why he did the things he did, how he felt, the anger he must be feeling. At this point WH said he had to get off the phone because he had to teach a lesson, and asked if we could continue talking on Friday night. I said I don't really want to. He got annoyed and said, "Well if what I want to?" So I said ok. But I don't think there's any point.
The pain has arrived. I don't know how to bear it but I know I must. And will have to for quite a while more.
Does anyone reading have faith in God? Why is this happening?
