WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[hoosjim]

Sandi thanks. I do appreciate your "tough love" with me.

I guess I have technically achieved "no contact." She says she got rid of the extra "straight talk" phone, will no longer go to the bar where OM hangs out, will not "seek out" contact, and has told him she cant talk to him because she needs to find out where "she needs to be." She took the lock off her phone but is a little waffle-y about FB password ("Im not sure I remember it") She also downplayed the A to "friendship" and "flirting" (lies, It was pretty explicit flirting based on overheard phonecall that made me 90-95% sure they were physical... if not, they were explicitly describing HOW they were going to be physical with each other, and she spent the night with him at least once though not clear they had sex). She is surly about it, saying she is just going to "sit around the house now" like the "good little wife". She did show a wee bit of remorse, acknowledging that what she had done was wrong and hurtful and a mistake, but says she honestly does not know how "it happened" (i.e. not a conscious choice on her part)and she did not show the type of remorse that has been described as showing she is "over it". She is also still resentful and has "trust issues" with me because i bugged her car once with an extra cell phone about two weeks in to all this (early February--guilty as charged) and got caught, though she does allow she "probably deserved it." She spent alot of time on the phone with her wayward best friend before talking to me... dont know what went on with that, though presumably nothing good for me.

Unfortunately, I got sucked down the rabbit hole on a couple of topics: 1) How and what to tell the kids if we split (she is already thinking about this-- and she definitely doesn't want to have any blame on her even if she ends up with OM eventually) and 2) Our own MR and what we are going to do to address it. She says she still doesn't have romantic feelings for me (no surprise, she was on the phone less than a week ago giving the OM oral sex tips) and can't even see us "going out and having fun or doing the flirty things she can see herself doing on a "date". Doesn't see herself ever having that spark with me but is willing to try MC and is somewhat eager to get started. Doesn't seem at all troubled at the idea of doing it as a "box checking" exercise. I, of course, would love to get to counselling... eventually, but not now. She clearly is not disposed to try to save the marriage and no WAY is she over the A at this point. My game plan had been to sort of lay low, detach, distance, let her grieve the end of the A (if she sticks to her word), and then play the "distance/pursuit" game and follow the 37 rules colored by "Georgia Bulldog's" addenda concerning the "NC" phase for waywards. Keep re-evaluating and hope she started showing signs of true remorse and/or interest in saving marriage. Not sure how I will deflect the counselling request. I left it tonight as "I wanted to clear the air on this one issue tonight, we can talk about the rest in a few days... I think it's too soon.