Hearing the Fat Lady Sing

[JRuss]

LH19 -- my marriage, at least over the last 10 years of it, slowly devolved into one long, slow war of push/pull attrition, with me tying myself in knots trying to get my W to see the value in our marriage, and her always at least partly wondering/dreaming what it would be like not to have to be a full-time W and mother and always, at least on some level, communicating to me that she didn't think I or her life was good enough. There was no meeting of the minds/heart; she had no desire to deepen our connection, and that's what I was looking for and needing. I am still trying to learn some things about why I settled for that. I tell myself I did it for the kids, and that's certainly true to an extent, but some of that analysis is self-serving. Mainly I think I lacked the self-respect, deep down, to demand more and, if I didn't get it, be the one prepared to make a change.

No, I would not reconcile with her at this point. I've just never seen anything suggesting that she's capable of being in the sort of R that I now know I would want and need to have. She's a woman who voluntarily gave up half of her children's remaining childhoods so she could have a more stimulating life. I just find that repulsive, honestly, and pretty much irredeemable.