And, for all those starting out... I'm five years out, since Ex-H of 25 years left and I'm AWESOME. If I was any more awesome... I wouldn't be able to stand myself.
Yes, I'm divorced, but I'm okay. And, my kids are okay and my dog is okay and I'm living in a place where, 20 years ago, I dreamt of living... but, my husband wasn't willing to move away from his wackadoo parents.
Still love him. Not sure I will ever be able to allow him back in my life. Still have moments of anger, moments of grief, sadness and whatever... but, they pass so much more quickly now. My advice is... feel whatever you need to feel. Trust your own process, your journey, allow your feelings to take you where you need to go... and make your life better than it was. Create a support system of folks, who will support whatever feeling happens to surface in that moment. Feel it. Move through it. THEN... Do the stuff you only dreamt of doing during your intact marriage. And, show your kids peace. Provide them with a SAFE, drama-free place to land. A safety net from the insanity.
When I find myself longing for my married life, old life, old house... feeling sad about stuff...I've created a coping mechanism that may work for others. I READ about antisocial personality disorders, narcissism, personality disorders, codependency and domestic violence. I have a small reading list of articles, books and the like to remind me of the reality of living with an abusive, severely depressed person.
Any individual in a midlife crisis exhibits similar behavior. It's abuse, in my opinion. And, there are some definite benefits to cutting the cord, either legally or figuratively. Mainly, my children know what a calm, peaceful, loving home is... It's a safe place.
In my case, my ex-H showed some red flags for all of these behaviors throughout the years. He had moments of genuine empathy, kindness and regret, but struggled with substance abuse for much of 30+ year relationship. In my opinion, mid-life, some serious un-resolved childhood abuse and emotional neglect, along with life's regular ups-and-downs led to my H's crisis.
What I've learned: Live YOUR dream. This, in my opinion, takes the sting out of the rejection and pain. If they come back, they come back. They will do whatever, regardless of what you do, or don't do. I made every DB mistake in the book, and my ex-H is still expressing regret and and missing us.
Not only did I move to a place where I always wanted to live, but I've transformed my life into the vision I had hoped for years and years. I work from home. Currently, I'm working from home part time and recuperating from an incredibly intense five years.
H is still floundering and very, very sad.
From time to time, I reach out to him. I try to maintain a connection. Sometimes, I get a polite, but short response... others he offers up more apologies and regrets... Still living with OW as far as I know.
Last week, he, again, told me how sorry he is... how he effed up his whole life... yadda, yadda, yadda... A really nice memory came up from when we were teenagers. He told me he'd would do it all over again today.
Then, crickets.
He will make these sorta random, out-of-the-blue statements of regret, make it obvious he is really miserable, but will leave it there. Sorta fade back into the woodwork as far as I'm concerned. I'm not sure he has the mental capacity, or energy to handle how badly he treated me, or the clarity to map/take action to climb out of the quagmire he put himself in.
He is, however, working harder at reconnecting with our oldest. He talks to her weekly. Our youngest still wants nothing to do with him.
I just take his cue, and fade back away, leave him to it... The anger has mainly faded. Now, I just feel badly for him... and sad for how time continues to pass, while my life moves forward and he isn't a part of it.
I've really removed most of the toxic people from my life. Talk to my mom occasionally, rarely to my dad, never to my in-laws. The girls and I have created a nice, happy bubble in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Focused on healing.
Getting to know new folks in our new state. Loving myself, my kids, my new life.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
