Quote: learning that it was OK to DO NOTHING was also a saver...I'm a very action-oriented person and it was a difficult less one to learn.
I could benefit from working on this lesson....I am a world-class fixer and get-it-doner....lessons I learned early, and they've been hard to let go of....maybe I need to work more on that one
why do some people disagree with you on the "snooping" issue? I hadn't recognized that... I cant think of anything very positive I've ever gained from it....I guess the only thing that ever happened was it reinforced what I already KNEW. I guess there was one positive, not really from snooping, but S overheard his dad talking to OW on phone and saying "things just arent working out right" back in about Jan., which kind of gave me some hope that maybe all was not lost and hopeless.
Quote: I think my biggest stumbling block is also dealing with doubts about the truth of what he says....it makes it so difficult, but the doubts come from the fact that he's fed me such "whoppers" before when I trusted him....although I will say my instincts said he was lying before and I didnt want to listen to them, now they arent as "insistent", they are just more "cautious". It's so hard to be cool, calm and collected when you've trusted some one you love with all your heart and had it all thrown in your face before.
Well...I'm certainly familiar with what you are saying...and I've spent much time in the last 1.5 years trying to work thru trust, forgiveness, etc. some days are better than others...
You could ask yourself (a la Michele) "what's different about the times when I am more trusting of him" or even "what's different about the times when NOT KNOWING feels OK to me?"....you may find some surprising answers...that keeping yourself busy helps, or exercising, or being with friends more, or whatever. It may be about realizing that NO MATTER WHAT...you will still have to take a leap because it's true that you will never know FOR SURE what's going on.
Here's an article on trust that I find interesting:
The website www.soundstrue.com is a great place to look at audio books re. meditation. Jack Kornfield is my favorite...with Pema Chodron a close second. I often find their stuff on ebay.
thanks Sage for the nwebsites, I'm going to check them out. It's interesting you mention the "leap of faith" because I often find images leaping into my mind as I deal with this....one that popped in recently was from an Indiana Jones movie, either "Raiders of the Lost Ark" or "The Last Crusade", can't remember which one, but Indy is at the edge of a huge chasm, looking down, believes he knows the "clue", takes a big gulp, steps off, and a bridge swings out underneath him....weird, that image has popped into my mind over and over recently....maybe my instincts trying to tell me something again.... come to think of it, before I had confirmation of the A, I had the weirdest dreams, over and over and over again the same dreams: of our wedding, and that something was "wrong" and we kept "doing it over" .....and also, wow, this just hit me....I kept dreaming that I was having an A with coworkers...different guys, and it made no sense to me because I don't even care for them as friends, but now I see my instincts and my intuition were at work trying to get through even then. How very weird, and the leap of faith visualization helped clarify all that. I must be tired today! Anyway, your "leap of faith" comment obviously struck a cord with me. you are absolutely right....I just gotta get to the point of being able to step off the cliff.
Quote: detaching - very hard to do consistently, at least while we're on the roller coaster.
A big AMEN to that one Bill! some days I'm fine and know I'm going to be ok and I'm excited about life, and other days it's like a cold wind sucks me down a black tunnel.
I'm glad the comments were helpful to you in your sitch. I feel certain that if your W was really at peace with what she's doing, she wouldnt be in so much distress. So I guess that's a good thing, means the "real stuff" is still in there under the layers of dust.
I know it's a totally, ridiculously cheeseless tunnel to guess at, but why would H keep calling OW??????I guess if he's calling her he isn't with her....I cant help but wonder if this will ever die down... but I have to remind myself, it seems like forever but DBing has just been a little over 4 months. There has been progress, sometimes things seem great. From reading their posts, I think Sage has been at it almost 2 years and I think about the same for Betsey (underdog).... O Patience, where art thou?
I'm pasting this here so I can have it to work on.
Quote: You could ask yourself (a la Michele) "what's different about the times when I am more trusting of him" or even "what's different about the times when NOT KNOWING feels OK to me?"....you may find some surprising answers...that keeping yourself busy helps, or exercising, or being with friends more, or whatever. It may be about realizing that NO MATTER WHAT...you will still have to take a leap because it's true that you will never know FOR SURE what's going on.
I just read the article on trust, it's very good, one I will have to copy and again work on to really understand and incorporate.
I honestly can't explain why he keeps calling her if he's broken it off with her. I dont get this alien behavior. Maybe he "thinks" he can stay friends with her, and keeps prioving himself wrong...
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
I believe he does think he can stay friends with her, in fact he's said as much., and I think that is part of it.
I find it hard not to succumb (sp?) to the fear that this brings up, and of course I don't respond very calmly to fear. It seems as though the phone calls have picked up in frequency but decreased in length. I sometimes debate whether the best course of action is to just let it ride and hope it burns out or shake things up and express my feelings about the calls. Of course he knows how I feel, and he makes an effort to hide the calls but they keep on. He never responds well to pressure.
the phone calls are so hard, sometimes I consider telling him to end it ALL or get out......but I think everything would just blow up and he would get out, and we've made so much progress in our relationship. I dont think he's going to see her anymore....I notice more and more that he smells normal....doesnt "reek" of mouthwash and aftershave.
i don't know, I feel kind of all over the place today...thinking about trust and detachment and that phone calls & what ever he does shouldnt matter, but it's hard for them not to... I think maybe I am making some overall progress in my ability to DB consistently, however, perhaps it's becoming more of an automatic response....
Last night was not a good evening w/H, he had a really bad day at work, increases in work load,conflicts w/boss, etc., and was really angry. He got home at 8:15 and stood in the kitchen and vented for a good 1 1/2 hours.....I just listened, stayed there and talke, before I would have dissmissed it...H was not as warm/loving as ususual, hasnt been for several days, not as many hugs, etc....instead of trying to increase the amount that I initiate, I've just kind of backed off, although I'm missing them big time! last night after we got in bed, I gave him a big kiss and he actually didn't respond well to it, said it made him feel like he was drowning and I was "taking his air" (wasnt THAT big a kiss!)....instead of freaking out and getting upset, I just told him "sorry, didnt mean to, you're just that irresistable, good night and sweet dreams" and rolled over and went to sleep.Actually, I should give myself a gold star that I was able to roll over and go to sleep instead of "freaking out"....Now today of course theres the nagging fear that things are firing up w/OW, but I know yesterday was bad and upsetting at work. My hope is that just being able to blow off steam for and hour and a half is good, means he's comfortable and "safe" at home....
I don't know, I'm just too tired to deal with it all today. and of course, this is Wednesday so I'll be bringing S in to class, and H will probably be on phone w/OW....
Still, I feel like being able to stay calm and back off in response to his irritable/distant mood in a big accomplishment.
