WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[sandi2]

Let me try to put it this way.......if you suddenly do a particular action just b/c of a post you read, and then come back and say, "what now".........that's not what I see as a thought-out plan. That is how a H gets himself in a bigger mess and farther from his goal of busting a divorce. You seem mighty anxious to kick her out of the house, and yet.....have you sought legal advice?

To develop a plan, you need to know yourself well enough to realize what you will tolerate and what you won't. You need to know what is the most important thing you want in a MR. What do you need as a man, etc. You learn from MWD, the board, etc., and consider the positive & negative results to certain actions in your situation. And, if experienced people are telling you that particular actions do not work.......listen to them. Also, realize things may appear to get worse before you can see the final results. For example, it may take a period of living in separate houses before the MR can be reconciled successfully. (That's only an example of the point I'm making). But you have just told her that you are not willing to live in an open M (last night or the night before). Right? Isn't that all that's been said, or did I miss something? If nothing more has been said, do you not want to wait a few days to see if she attempts to end contact with OM? It would give you time to check out your legal options, and to gain more information as to what to expect. Timing is everything!

my questions about how to handle: 1) The move-out request if my W refuses to move out?

If you have set a boundary of no form of contact with OM, and she ignores it......what can you do then? Do you know your legal rights? Is her name on the deed, etc? That's what you need to find out. There used to be a lot of stories of how men kicked out their WW,.....and there were a couple of WW's that refused to be kicked out. Don't threaten or promise anything you can't deliver.

When/if you approach this subject of her leaving the house, then calmly tell her if she is not going to respect the MR, then she should find another place to stay. Do not argue about it. If she blows ups, let her blow. Don't go into long explanations. If she out & out refuses to leave, then start from that point by acting as if you are separated (whether she physically moves out or not). Sure, you can pack up her things and leave in the garage, or whatever, but if the law says you can't force her out against her will......then I think you need to leave her things alone. When checking the laws, find out how it would affect you in a divorce if you were the one who left the marital home. Some places see it as abandonment by the husband/father. Know where you stand legally, before trying to take drastic steps.

AND 2) If she AGREES to "cut contact"... how much do I trust and how much do I monitor/snoop. They have already become very proficient at hiding the A, but I do have some monitoring options available to me. As I posted earlier:

You can't trust her! You especially cannot believe something just b/c she says it. She did not value the trust you gave her the first time, and she betrayed you. She will have to earn your trust the second time around. That is why transparency and accountability is needed. Transparency is also to help her as she goes through the period of withdrawals. We can discuss it more, later.

"Also, how do I handle tonight if she "agrees" to my terms?

Tonight? You have no plan and are asking what to do at every turn. I don't think you are digesting everything correctly. You are about to charge into something you have no clue as how to handle it. How many times have we said to slow down and take time to learn about this process? Once you charge off into it......how will you know what to do or say next?

Your boundary statement to your WW: "I am not willing to live in an open marriage or indeed for you to continue to have any kind of contact with the OM while you are living under this roof".

Your terms stated to your WW: "If yoy are hoing to stay i need you to cut all conract, and I need an answer by tomorrow (meaning today/Tuesday)."

Immediate issue: "She said she understood but also stuck to party line that it was not an "A" and that contact had been getting less and less and was almost down to nothing".

Look again at her response. She is denying it's an affair and tries to brush it off by saying contact was getting less & less. She is lying and will try to claim "he's just a friend", if you bring up the word "affair". Do not argue with her at this time that it is an affair. If we have a friendship with male or female that makes our spouse feel uncomfortable, threatened, or seen as inappropriate........wouldn't the logical answer be to choose the marriage relationship over a friend relationship? The day the choice is to pick a friend over your own spouse.....is the day the M is basically over. Who gives up their spouse to keep a friend? However, WW will often make a strong stand on the whole friend debate, and accuse the H of controlling. So.......beware.

Do not fall for her accusations of you controlling. This is about her cheating, lies, and betrayal. Do not fall for guilt she may try to lay at your feet. BTW, do not give her a deadline as to her making any decision, b/c she will wait till the last minute and then claim she doesn't know what she wants.