It's been a while since I posted, but some new things have come to light that are really throwing me for a loop. But first, some background on the past 3-4 months:
I decided about 3 months ago to NOT address my W's on and off affair with the OM (which I know she is constantly pursuing), and try to truly detach to get myself in a better place. I thought, "I see the signs of her affair breaking down, I'll let the breakdown take it's course, and disrupt the affair fog."
So, I took the time to work on myself a bit. Mostly, getting healthier physically, spending lots of quality time with the kids, etc. Not pursuing/asking questions of my wife - letting her do her thing. This includes not snooping or questioning when she "stays late for work". (I assume half the time it's really that, the other half probably with him.)
I have slipped at times - mostly on weekends, but I have tried to be true to detachment rules. Through the weeks it was a constant roller coaster of HER mood. Sometimes trying to be chatty, others being totally turned off. Through it all I tried to be consistent and I admit at times, I felt I was maybe keeping her too much at a distance - as I struggled with the balance of validating and being a "Lighthouse" VS. allowing her to "cake eat" which I didn't want to do. As time passes, I feel the sting of the affair is dulling and I feel a bit more empowered, and confident in moving on if need be, but I still feel like crap and struggle with being solution oriented. When it comes to us, I see us getting further apart – we just coexist and interact when needed.
So here is the current situation: My wife was out until 3 AM last night at a "work event" which I asked no questions didn't wait up, nothing. This morning she woke up giving me some "looks" and being a bit more chatty about the kids, and my day – very unlike her and I KNEW something was up. I played along, answered her questions, even cracked a joke or two, etc. And then she started to talk about her work and the review she had with her boss. She told me he wants her "networking" more with clients after work. So that was there it was, setting me up for the "I need to work late more" excuse. I played along, but when she talks about that kind of stuff I start to shut down a bit.
Then she hit me. She proceeded to tell me that her boss thought they needed extra firepower, and that he was considering hiring OM. Quick background: The OM has worked with my wife for 15 years - either at the same company or doing deals together because they are in the same industry. I know him as her "friend", and since I have not confronted, she doesn't know that I know they had or are having an affair. Currently he is at a different job, but works sporadically with my wife.
So there you have it. While I was keeping my distance - hoping things would fizzle out, they obviously have not. She has crafted a plan, and I have no doubt this is all being done as the way out. So now, I know I must do something drastic. I cannot try and work on my marriage if this happens. I NEED to make a stand somehow. Do I confront and create a boundry? Last resort technique time?
