3.5 Months of Pain - Fork in the Road

[Matrix]

I agree with you Sellout. One size does not fit all. Michelle preaches to "Do what works". Well, if she reads the article and it triggers something in her, then maybe that is considered "working". If it does nothing, then so be it. Just keep moving forward.

I think the main thing to note in your sitch is that she asked for it twice. If you were just randomly emailing her articles, then that would not be advised.

Again, I think that you can just try some new things and see if it works or changes anything. If it doesn't, then no big deal. I have tried some new things in my sitch (that are totally anti-DB) and it is the first reaction I have had from my WW in 9 months.

I understand what LITB is saying, but we can't copycat a "plan". It has to be adjusted for each of our situations. LITB is one of my heroes on this site and if I save my marriage, it will be by following some of what he did in his situation over the years.

Anyway, I wouldn't ask her anything about the article AT ALL. Let her bring it up if she does. I would not be surprised if she says nothing, but don't bring it up if she doesn't.

Do what works.

[Cristy]

Again, I can't stress enough on here that "One Size does NOT fit All". The DB strategies are a good framework but you must be able to use them in your own unique situation. I sent the article (not anything about DB) and we will see.

Hello sellout,

You are so smart to recognize that one size does not fit all. At the same time, I agree that you should not be sharing articles (even if she is asking for them.) How does she even know you have read these articles? I'm guessing because you mentioned it at some point, which is pursuing.

Yes, she is cake eating. She has the best of both worlds. She has OM across the street from a house she can't afford to live in without you. She'll make it about displacing the kids, but she is more interested in continuing her current lifestyle.

Good job on not taking the bait on her asking about spending the 4th of July as a family. She is temperature checking you to see if you will go for it while she is in an active affair.

I highly recommend taking of advantage of the online special for Telephone Coaching. You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our DB coaching program at 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[LITB]

I understand what LITB is saying, but we can't copycat a "plan". It has to be adjusted for each of our situations. LITB is one of my heroes on this site and if I save my marriage, it will be by following some of what he did in his situation over the years.

Matrix,
That is very kind of you to say. I am humbled.

I agree with you guys to a certain degree. However, here are some things that I believe should be common in every relationship:

-healthy boundaries
-detachment
-good communication skills

These are 3 traits that I can think of off the top of my head.

What I am finding with sellout is that he chooses to continue down the same path and ignore the advice that we are giving him.

Usually that comes from someone operating from a place of fear. Fear of pushing their WAS further away. Fear of upsetting the WAS. Fear of the WAS thinking that the LBS doesn't care. The reality is, you can't push the WAS further away. The worst is already happening.

I'll say it one more time. Boundaries....

[LITB]

One last thing. When you start standing up for yourself and placing boundaries, she will be upset because you are taking her cake away. Too bad. The only way to the other side of this he11 is through it. No shortcuts.

[sellout]

LITB - wise advice and thank you.

I am doing a great job of GAL, and doing a lot better on 180's.

Question - if/when wife ever decides she wants to work things out, is it typically a quick spur of the moment all of the sudden type of thing where she calls one day and says "lets talk" OR a slow, gradual process where she tests the waters, see how its going to work type of thing without coming right out and saying "lets work things out".

What has been everyone's experience on here?

[sellout]

anything guys?

[Thornton]

In my experience, it's a very slow build up.

My W would text me out of the blue about a bill or something and then would ask how I was doing etc.

[MoveFrwd]

I think the main thing to note in your sitch is that she asked for it twice. If you were just randomly emailing her articles, then that would not be advised.

OK.....I read it a different way. Sellout said that he was reading up on WW/MLC (why he said this to her, I have no idea). Then sheasked to see what he was reading. In my mind, thats not her trying to get educated on MLC, thats her trying to get information on what sellout is doing. I imagine she will read it and say "thats not me" and go along her way.


As for your questions on reconciling, I really wish you would put your energy elsewhere. I asked before how the marriage would be different and your reply was this:

I am focusing on myself. I have lost over 30 lbs and obviously she sees this. I haven't mentioned a word about it and she hasn't either. I am being a wonderful father to our son (not that there was ever an issue with that before), and mentioning nothing about Marriage, Relationship, Divorce, OM, etc.. unless she brings it up. When she calls/texts I do answer and respond truthfully, kindly and politely.

Thats all fine. But what I dont see is where you are acknowledging your faults and working to repair them. Besides losing weight, where are you different today than you were on BD? What further change do you want to make?

Your W isnt going to want to come back to be in the same relationship as you had. What have you dont to grow so that you wouldnt fall into the same patterns?

[sellout]

so a little clarification. I didn't tell her specifically what I was reading, just it was an interesting article about divorce type situations.

I have GAL in the following ways: I am more kind to everyone, lost weight, become more spiritual, got new hobbies, reconnected with old friends, made new friends, become more responsible with bills, become a better father, become a better listener.

Trust me...she has taken notice of most if not all of these things. With my detachment (yes, I need to work on more), I have seen some changes in her attitude, albeit still dating OM.

One of the biggest challenges is the "balancing" act you have to play as far as communication, acting interested and deciphering if she is wanting to reach out or just mask her feelings.

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmic,

What would be your suggestion on how sellout can do to show his W the things she claimed to want? DBing advises us to pull away,

Sorry but I just saw this^^ today.

DBing does NOT "advise us to pull away." DBing advises us to use an approach and THEN monitor the results.

Sandi posted a summary of what she believes DB preaches but they are not "rules" and the main thing she points out is do what works. That is the essence of DBing.

We are trying to counter negative images our MLC/WASs have of our marriage or of us, so they cannot continue to justify their behavior. Those are 180s that are specific to our marriages. Not everyone should pull away. Not all 180s are identical.

Detachment is not necessarily pulling away. At times, it is just mandatory for our sanity.



but the things she's asking for kind of contradicts those methods.

What she is asking for...you mean his WAW? That matters.

And that's why not every LBSer should do the same thing. Again, DBing (books) say to use an approach and give it time, and monitor for results. If you see no results, you adjust accordingly. If I recall what Sandi posts, that is included.

I think some folks want to apply the simplest "rules" and then demand results like this is a math equation.

IF it were math, I'd say

"consistent changes + sufficient time = change the WAS can believe in."

IMO, this man's wife expressed her desire to know that her h would meet previously unmet emotional needs...I feel like she was very clear.


In my own situation the OM is marries and a state away. And communication is limited to messenger. Sellout here as his wife taking 3 day trip in his face. So what would be the best place for him to make in this situation?

There is a fine line between prideful ego and self respect. I cannot draw it for someone else. And maybe there is too much water under the bridge now.

In my world, a few months is a blink.