2) You asked me on another thread, why I think all affairs are wrong BUT not alike.
Here is my response-
For now, off the top of my head, I'll mention a few A's I know of, which i do not view in the same context. YES, imo Context matters. If context does not matter, then all affairs are to end a marriage, or all affairs are to continue.
Anyhow, a few Dbers and I have privately discussed this IRL but this is just my opinion out here and We could be wrong.
We hesitate to say much on this topic here, b/c this is such a painful topic for the betrayed spouse who is reeling. They think I am defending affairs but I am not.
I do know the betrayal of being an LBSer, & how it feels when you didn't know there were such issues or unexpressed emotions from them.
I also knew when I had enough and (sort of) became a WAS. In my m, my h was practically daring me to file and would never have done it on his own. But, who knows?
Anyway, here are a few thoughts on Why I think Affairs are wrong but not all alike. (And why some m's recover better than others.
Affairs that are one night stands, which do not require long term deceit, are one form.
Affairs in which the spouse who cheats has had long term important needs unmet AND communicated to a spouse who can't or won't meet those needs, is more vulnerable to an affair than someone who is satisfied in their m.
Long term affairs (>a year?) which occur in a marriage in which the cheating spouse acts as if all is well in the m, are another form of cheating. Imo it's harder to recover from these b/c of the gas lighting and the long term deceit required.
Affairs that are not the first affair, are another form. I assume they're harder to deal with.
Affairs of temptation - in which the cheater is far from home, works near someone who is, indeed, tempting in some form, and the cheating spouse gives in, are another form.
Affairs that are out of anger (revenge?) or grief, or some emotional "defect" in the cheater, are another form. I assume that addressing the underlying issue in them AND OR in the m, would be needed.
I know the pain of betrayal. I also know the reality of temptation. I know the pain of that too, (though I did not have an A, I was once sorely tempted for reasons that seemed justifiable to me then).
Because I understand some affairs more than others, I can say that some m's are more likely to be able to get past them.
But for ME, the biggest betrayal in our 35 year m, was not an affair. It was when my (doctor) h left me when I was really sick & "needy" for the first time in our m. My illness came out of nowhere, & he left me alone to go on his "adventure".
He did not have my back. It's something neither I nor our children can "un-know" about him.
I cannot imagine what it would be like if I ever were to become an invalid with this guy as my spouse...maybe he did me a favor.
But that's just me.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
