A quick update on my circumstances. My wife is still miles away from me in her A. There are plenty of signs of her putting more and more distance between us.
I'm doing OK with the DB'ing attitude. I had my first session with my coach last week that was helpful.
The main thing I am processing is what it is like to fall out of love with someone. This is definitely something I have never experienced since I've loved only one woman for 28 years. I've lost that sense of attraction and need for her. She's still living here and I'm just treating her like a friend that is staying as a house guest. I'm still determined to stay in this place for now as I see no rush to bring on the D while she's in an active A. See above.
I'm focusing on me and taking running fairly seriously, working on my pace and distance and hoping to run some 5k's this summer. It should be a good way to reach out and make some new friends. If the D ever happens it is going to be so uncomfortable from a friends standpoint because most of my friends are married couples.
But anyway, as time goes on I feel the DB'ing gets a little easier and I'm still on the lookout for more 180's.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
The man I was before the marriage was 20 years old! That person was so carefree and full of youth. How can I be that now? Again its more about discovering who I am now without her at 46 through GAL.
I'm not referring to the attributes that come with youth. What was your attitude in relationships with others? Did you let others bully you, or pick on you? Were you a leader or follower? How did you handle yourself as a man? What did you do if a girl mistreated you or cheated on you? If you had the NGS, then you probably apologized to the girl without knowing what you were apologizing for....b/c it's all you knew to do in order to keep the girl. Know what I mean? You say you have inner strength, so that is what she needs to see.
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She's still living here and I'm just treating her like a friend that is staying as a house guest. I'm still determined to stay in this place for now as I see no rush to bring on the D while she's in an active A.
What if the affair continues for a couple of years, or longer? Will you still see no rush? If you won't stand up to her while in an active A, when will you?
I'm really not trying to get you to file for a D. I'm just saying that she will not see your strength while you quietly sit back and allow her to benefit from being M to you...and having an affair, too.
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It would be good to have some help on some specific 180's that I can use to not be perceived as weak. I think that my wife very much values inner strength within a man.
There is another word to describe inner strength........"confidence". Women love to see a self-confident male. Not one who is stuck on himself or acts like a jerk to show off to everyone else, but mature confidence is very attractive.
If you won't do anything else, then please drop the rope. Don't treat her like a house guest........treat her like a tenant. We have to entertain a guest, and play nice.
Are you familiar with the term "drop the rope"? You let her go. You stop emotionally depending on her for your happiness, and stop acting co-dependent. Start acting more independent and start enjoying a life apart from her. This is the best time to do the things you stopped doing or put off b/c it wasn't something she enjoyed.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What if the affair continues for a couple of years, or longer? Will you still see no rush? If you won't stand up to her while in an active A, when will you?
I'm really not trying to get you to file for a D. I'm just saying that she will not see your strength while you quietly sit back and allow her to benefit from being M to you...and having an affair, too.
I am mostly waiting until the end of the school year to get starting on the D, telling the kids, etc. We're close enough now.
I'm on the tipping point of not believing the marriage can be saved.
And yes I get it about dropping the rope. It is one of those things that is easier said than done. I'm doing this piece-by-piece. It is hard to unwind 25+ years of devotion to a spouse even in the face of such bitter betrayal. I can see though it is what she deserves now.
I'm feeling good though. I seem to be over a lot of the grief at the moment. I know it will return when we're in the process of telling the kids, filing the D and moving her out but I'm resting on a plateau right now.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
And yes I get it about dropping the rope. It is one of those things that is easier said than done. I'm doing this piece-by-piece. It is hard to unwind 25+ years of devotion to a spouse even in the face of such bitter betrayal. I can see though it is what she deserves now.
Do you really? It doesn't mean you try to force yourself to stop loving her. It means you let go of her. In order to do so, it requires you to cut your codepency on her. You stop trying to control the situation with her. You do not have to divorce in order to emotionally drop the rope. You focus on making a life for yourself.
Funny things about wives, they can tell when you are "gone". Dropping the rope can be effective.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Right now I recognize it as a process for me. I've seen the impact on my wife from certain 180's that have had an impact on her. I'm continuing to drop it inch-by-inch.
Thanks for the message Sandi2. Keep challenging me because I do need people that are willing to hit me with a 2x4.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Just a quick update from me. Last night I snapped a bit and confronted her about how she continues to text her AP around me and the kids. Its not going to be easy but I'm going to have to start taking steps to enforce that boundary. Leaving, taking the kids away, etc. I'd be very interested to hear what others do about trying to enforce that boundary. The whole texting to the AP is one of the hardest boundaries to enforce because it is so annoying to monitor and creates such bad energy. I need help here.
I also reinforced the boundary that the AP can never come to our house or see our kids. Duh. She seemed to not really comprehend this one. She acted as if I don't understand her relationship. I don't really know and don't care what she's feeling.
Other than that I'm staying strong for the most part. Time with my kids is worth more to me than gold. I'm getting a lot of time with them bc my wife is so distant physically and mentally. I'm thankful for that bc I know after the D comes I won't have them with me every single day.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
My W continued her affair after I found out and stated she wanted a relationship with affair partner, I was to soft for a couple of weeks, but you have to workout you can't nice her back, you need to be a nice face b*****d.
I told my W I was no longer sharing the MBR, you find somewhere else to sleep. I also let her be responsible for her finances and told her I expected 50% running costs for house etc. I then put the house up for sale and sold it! All within 6 weeks of the A being discovered.
Yes, for 2-3 weeks it pushed her toward her AP, but in the end the cold light of day the consequences hit home. She had lost everything and her AP realised he would be land with a her and 3 children. Poof all the magic and rainbows disappeared.
If you let her eat cake she will, have strong healthy boundaries, sending you strength and a big hug!
Remember you have to be willing to lose your M, to win it back!
Me: 40 W: 36 T21 M17 S12 D10 D10 ILYBNILWY EA happened. PA happened. June 2016 trying to piece our M and life's back together...
If you let her eat cake she will, have strong healthy boundaries, sending you strength and a big hug!
Remember you have to be willing to lose your M, to win it back!
blueboy - thank you for the encouragement. I'm definitely headed in the direction of the steps that you took. I'm just waiting until the end of the school year which is just a few weeks away. We're going to have to tell the children and I want to do it at that time.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
I'm just waiting until the end of the school year which is just a few weeks away. We're going to have to tell the children and I want to do it at that time.
Hello resolut,
Michele has an excellent article regarding how to tell the kids. I'm happy to send you the link at no charge, of course.
Please email me if you would like the link to Michele's article.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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