WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[25yearsmlc]

25YM, thank you so much for the kind words of support and for the very insightful advice. And thank you for challenging my (pre)conceptions and ideas...it is helpful and I value that.

As for my GAL efforts, I am pretty satisfied with those, which is why I have not really posted asking for any advice. I have been working out ALOT, and, Even at 50, I am in the best shape physically I have been in since before I got married. I have also been focusing on my faith and have been attending a different church part-time because I have found it extremely inspirational and very supportive. By connecting with others and by reconnecting with a couple old friends (one of whom is my best friend, a former atheist, who only recently in the wake of his own separation found God) I have both broadened and strengthened my own faith. The only possible gap is spending "out time" with friends. The current OM was my only real "local" friend at the time of affair discovery.

he's a POS...speaks for itself...but yeah, I'd say you need some new friends...


I have since reconnected with one or two older local friends, but neither are much into the going out and doing things mode. My best friend is within an hours drive and I travel down there about every third weekend to socialize and go out.


I'm just suggesting getting out of the comfort zone a bit b/c you can meet NEW people who don't know your sitch and that's more helpful than you may realize.

Joining something, taking a class, taking up a hobby, volunteering, coaching, auditioning, a language, travel on a trip you really want to take - I think that would feel great and it's such a statement for you IF it's something on your bucket list...

I have a long GAL list of what I did in Alaska...including the above and I learned to hunt big game, snow machine, cross country ski, and I got my pilot's license.

A bucket list of sorts, and I really did not want to surrender to the darkness there...

But I also confess that a few setbacks in my sitch this past 3 weeks, has stalled me. There are days I want to huddle and I'd eat ice cream if I had any in my frig but I just got back from my divorce "vacation" out west.

Point is, I know it can be hard. But I also know that we have to detach from the results of this ordeal and transform our lives or we will continue to feel this pain. And it can be searing at times.

I just don't know a way to Detach without GAL.




About every other week we will have dinner out up here. I have also taken to going to a local establishment at the end of the days I work out of my home office where I sit on the deck, chat with folks, and finish my administrative tasks for the week. But I do not have a robust support network locally, as of right now.

are you in a small town? How close to a bigger area? Are you an introvert or extrovert or in between?

As to my WW... I have alot of intel on this A, and I am confident that she is definitely "wayward" in just about every sense.

Speaking for myself, I choose not to know anything unless it's related to finances. I don't want to stalk the OW on Facebook (I blocked my h) and I think it has spared me some pain. Why do you need the intel? Just curious.

I mean, if you are trying to make adultery the grounds for divorce, once you have SOME info, you don't need a lot of details...and if you are in a no fault state, what's the point? I'm asking b/c I would think you are not making this easier on yourself

but maybe you have a reason...

In some ways doesn't seem at all like the girl I married. She fits the pattern and I am fairly comfortable in my thinking that she needs to experience the loss of the marital comfort zone, and me as husband, to perhaps start to jar her out of her fog.

At these times they are not themselves. Doesn't mean they'll snap out of it AND come back to the family even if they did wake up. But some do.

My DB coach would tell me to "keep the road home, paved and smooth", which is harder with Affairs but not impossible.
If the shame is too great, I think it sort of forces the wayward into committing more to the AP. Sandi mentioned that if her h had been righteous and attempted to shame her, she'd have filed for divorce.

Like your wife, she felt justified in the affair. (It's not as if it was a one night stand, and you already know why your w went that route).

My point is to avoid the black & white SHAME route b/c it ignores her reasoning and the marital history you know you guys have.

Your w once loved you deeply and was wounded badly, over time. I don't know that it's all gone at all.

I think it is covered by layers of rejection and dashed hopes. Stay with your program.

I don't see how it's hurting the situation but I know that we all have our limits. In my mind, 3.5 months is a blink, but that's me.


I know that the road back, if there is to be one, God willing, will be long and hard and will involve much, much more than ending this current A.

However, I also know that we will not even be able to start down this road until this current A is at an end.

I hear that ^^ a lot. And I'm curious too. If the OM is fulfilling her unmet needs and talking in her love language, why would she end the affair? This is not to hurt you but to understand the reasoning behind such a statement.

MY DB coach said "To an extent ALL MLCers and waywards cake eat a bit."

That's the LBSer making every effort to help the marriage heal. And respect matters a lot. As you know, your w's affair did not happen in a vacuum. So, good on you for the working out. You can compliment her appearance and IF given the chance, flirt (ask your DB coach about this. I found my coaches advice to be specific and detailed and incredibly helpful. Mine was a Godsend).


I have been working on self and other DB steps, now, for three and a half months. I am no longer willing to abide an A under this roof. If the guy I am now had been here three and a half months ago, he would have said "this ends now or we end now", but, that guy was not here then. He is here now, though, and he can't stand the thought of much more time of having this A constantly in his face. (Did I mention that my W is REALLY bad at hiding things like this, even when she is trying?)

my h posts on FB about his OW "meeting the family" (not our kids) and how HAPPY he is now...

it $ucks. A 35year m and he announced 3 days after he left that "w and I have parted ways"...

WTF? So I hear you. I blocked the fb and am amazed at the idiocy. Mutual friends are horrified and I don't think h will ever be viewed in the same way...

Again I suggest you read Bluwave's thread...

I get what you are saying, truly I do.