3.5 Months of Pain - Fork in the Road

[sellout]

So basically I messed up? Ideas on going forward, boundaries? Guys, you have to understand that every relationship has its own idiosyncrasies and can't be handled with such black/white approaches. Am I wrong to think this?

[Cadet]

So basically I messed up? Ideas on going forward, boundaries? Guys, you have to understand that every relationship has its own idiosyncrasies and can't be handled with such black/white approaches. Am I wrong to think this?

So do these idiosyncrasies include the other person cheating?
That is pretty black and white if you ask me.

[LITB]

Sellout,

You are contributing to the destructive pattern of your sitch, because you are playing the role of the enabler.

That being said, you both try to manipulate each other. Makes me wonder if this was common behavior within your M/R.

You want to change the dynamics of your sitch? Set some boundaries....communicate them to your W and then follow through.

Example: Let her know that you will not have a convo with her regarding OM the next time she brings him up. Then don't converse with her about him.

She doesn't have any respect for you. She is dating OM and you are bringing her flowers? Say what? You can't tell us that you didn't have any expectations when you did that.

How about her telling you OM is going to be cleaning your pool? You say no (which is respectable) and then you changed your mind. Her reaction said that she couldn't believe that you would allow that to happen.

Personally, I would suggest to limit your interactions with her to only discussing your son and maybe the housing topics. That's it. No flowers or going for walks. Not while she is seeing OM.

Let's talk about you. What changes have you made or that you are working on? What are you doing about GAL and some 180s that you have mentioned?

You have to get your work done before anything else can happen. Plan your work and work your plan.

[sellout]

OK, so basically my wife has stopped talking about the divorce completely. Occasionally I will bring certain things up about it - I.e. I sent paperwork to attorney, and she always has some blase' repsonse as if she doesnt want to talk about it. She is still seeing OM.

A few days ago I sent a lengthy email to wife about bills, house, visitation of son among others. One of the things was 4th of July schedule with our son. I said I wanted to take son on vacation at that time and she said no way.

This morning she calls to talk about AC in house. When that 30 second conversation was over she said:

"THIS IS JUST A FLEETING THOUGHT, BUT I WANTED TO SEE IF YOU WOULD BE UP FOR THE IDEA OF US TAKING OUR SON ON VACATION TOGETHER ON 4TH OF JULY".

My response was "No". I continued to ask, "Did you discuss this with OM", her response was that he knows that we always take him somewhere on 4th of July but he doesn't know details.

She is obviously not living in reality, cake eating and just down right in denial and confused. RIGHT?

[sellout]

One other thing: I told wife the other day that I was reading some interesting facts about WAS and Mid-Life Crisis. I little while later, she texted and said that she really would like the see that article I was talking about. I told her I didn't feel comfortable sending it. She asked one more time that she REALLY would like to see it. I haven't sent her anything. Should I? Maybe it will plant a seed with her?

[LH19]

Sellout,

Do you listen to any advice that is given to you?

IMO all you are looking for is someone to say "your right she is having doubts".

Personally I think she is enjoying being in control for once.

[resolut]

One other thing: I told wife the other day that I was reading some interesting facts about WAS and Mid-Life Crisis. I little while later, she texted and said that she really would like the see that article I was talking about. I told her I didn't feel comfortable sending it. She asked one more time that she REALLY would like to see it. I haven't sent her anything. Should I? Maybe it will plant a seed with her?

No. IMO I will not share a single insight I have learned in this process with my WW. Why would i? She doesn't care about what I'm going through and she even told me this. She's likely to never understand my POV in this and right now she's delusional so why bother?

[Matrix]

I think if she asks, that is way different than you trying to push articles down her throat when she does not want it. I would not share any DB stuff with her. That is your playbook only. But, if she specifically asked for it and it's not straight from DB, I would think that is a good sign. Most of us on here would love for our spouse to actually reach out and ask for anything.

I think your W is very conflicted. Shen already broke down to you a few weeks ago and committed 100% to working on things. For whatever reason, she ran back into her tunnel. That is very common in most of these cases. The WAS's start to peak out of their castle and then duck back inside when something spooks them.

[sellout]

Matrix: Yes, indeed she is VERY confused. Again, I can't stress enough on here that "One Size does NOT fit All". The DB strategies are a good framework but you must be able to use them in your own unique situation. I sent the article (not anything about DB) and we will see.

[LITB]

A smart man learns from his mistakes. A wise one learns from the mistakes of others.