WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[sandi2]

Slow down some. I can't keep up with your spinning mind.

I can't imagine what such a basis would be, yet that is precisely what Sandi and the other WW gurus on this forum advise. I am assuming the hope is that the WW will elect to leave to avoid any ugliness, but... what if they dont? That is precisely my question. Would obtaining a lawyer (I am actually one myself though I don't do that sort of work) be the way to go? I am ready and willing to take this next step if she won't cut contact, but I want to be fully prepared so I can force the issue if need be.

Just for clarification, I do tell the H he needs to be prepared at point of confrontation for a possible S/D. B/c of the WW's defiance, he has to expect more than just announce that he knows.....and it automatically ends the A Once he states his boundary of not being willing to live with a third party in the M.....if the WW still refuses to stop contacting OM and/or lies about her activity....then the H should carry through with physical separation (not in-house stuff).

Please don't tell the OM this ^^^^^^^^. He is not your friend, does not care how you feel, does not have your family or W's best interest at heart, and he is not an honorable man. Do not tell him that you plan to expose him!!!! That will defeat the purpose and tip your hand so that he can discredit you before you can make anyone believe what you say about him.

Sandi, so your comment raises an interesting question in me: Do you know of an particularly effective ways to expose a single OM who is cheating with your W? He has kids of his own from a previous marriage and adultery is still against the law where I live... could I put his custody at risk? (Somehow I doubt it since his first marriage ended from his infidelity yet he still got the kids.) Have him prosecuted for adultery? (This would implicate my wife, though, obviously.) Would love to stick it to the predator SOB somehow but not sure what my options are. I DO have pretty good proof...

I don't know how you could effectively expose just the OM in the affair. He has to have a very good reason for someone not knowing about the affair, in order for him to give it up. If he's not married, then what would or who would he really not want knowing? I guess you could try to put the fear of God into him....if you could pull it off, but seriously, my suggestion is to seek legal advice about your options before you take any kind of action.

I've seen other H's who read something and jumped before he was grounded enough to know the full ramifications. We just can't possibly write everything for every scenario in one post. You are kind of bouncing from one bomb explosion scenario to the next explosion.....but do you have a plan? Asking questions is great source of learning, just don't react until you feel you have learned enough information, b/c you are ultimately responsible for your decisions. For example, you had set up a time to talk to the OM to warn him that you plan to expose him (which would not be wise to warn). For the future, don't give advanced notice to the enemy!

Maybe the extra reading has you feeling pumped and you are itching to verbally kick OM's a$$, but are you considering negative possibilities? I mean it might go as smooth as silk, IDK. I just want you to think about some possibilities. Exactly how do you picture OM responding to what you have to say? This has more to do than just him taking your W, doesn't it? While your confidence is up, you are wanting to approach him b/c you've carried around something from the past. Do you see this as your "chance" to let him have a piece of your mind? Do you think he'll even let you finish what you start out to say? Do you expect him to apologize for betraying you; bow out of the affair; or be afraid of what you could do with the information? It's not like he hasn't thought about it.....since the two of you were close friends. He knows you pretty well, right? And now, WW is alerted that you know she's cheating, so naturally she's going to convey this to OM. He's prepped and waiting for you.

Don't expect OM to give up the affair b/c he owes it to you or b/c he is scared of you. He's had a long time to observe you with your W.....plus he knows the problems, so he figures he has you pegged. Anyway, my point is that you have to be the man at home, and it usually starts by taking back your pants from your WW. That's where the trouble started. If you don't have the courage to take back your pants, then you won't ever feel like the man in your M and over your family/home.....even if you exposed the affair.

In most of the cases I've read on exposure, the WW is furious at her H for exposing the OM. So, be ready to face her fury, big time. You'll live, but just expect it. The last thing you need to do is expose and then apologize to your WW b/c you can't handle her wrath. Exposure doesn't just include just one person.

If you are seriously going to expose, you do it without any warning at all. There is a small window of time before they will hatch their lies and scheme around the exposure. If you warn them of your intentions, they will make sure nobody listens to what you say about them. See what I mean?

So, answer these questions. What do you really want to accomplish by exposing him? To whom do you want to expose the affair? Do you plan to cover up your WW's part in the affair? Once OM is exposed, so is your W. (I'm not saying to cover for her, just trying to pick your thoughts).

If you are out to ruin his public image/reputation, then always remember that he doesn't play fair and could go after you in other ways than just getting your W. So, stop and think what it is you hope to gain by exposing him.

Again, I would check with legal advice. Don't make threats or promises you can't keep.

I'm not trying to break your confidence, and I'm not saying you should not expose the affair. I am saying to think beyond the confrontation with OM.