In the UK- PT22 - anyone for a glayvar?

[Sotto]

I'm sorry to read this Huddy, and I think the important thing to recognise is - things aren't going to go back to the way they used to be. These events bring permanent change to your family, you and your relationship - whether or not you guys ultimately reconcile.

I do think you are still locked in a dance with your W. She wants help, you help and you form a 'covert contract' (have you read about those?) with her. If I do X, maybe that will lead to Y (the outcome I hope for.)

Then, when events don't unfold as you hope, you become so frustrated and disappointed and then you and your W have a falling out. And it is partly your own management of yourself and your emotions (all of which is difficult I know) that causes the ongoing dynamic.

I'm not saying it was reasonable of your W to cancel that visit at the last moment - only that it's possible to deal with that without the downward 'texting' spiral that just happened.

And the unfortunate thing is, that exchange may have reinforced for her all the reasons she had for leaving.

I'm not suggesting you give up hope - unless that is what you wish to do. But I am suggesting you deal with the ongoing attachment you have, and the dancing you are doing. Because to live in that situation just causes misery...she does this and it 'causes' me to do that etc.

Remember this - she will do what she will do when she is ready. She may never do what you hope, or she may do but not yet. She may hit bottom - or may not - or may bump along bottom for a good while yet. All of that is up to her. And much of that doesn't really have much to do with you anyway. It's most likely more about unresolved issues she has and she will realise that (or not realise it) in her own time.

The problem with you remaining 'in the dance' is she can still look at you and 'blame' you for how she feels. However, if you are emotionally 'detached' from what she is doing - and non-reactive - you are less likely to be target for her negative projection.

Also, you have a fundamental realisation that you are responsible for your life, your happiness and your responses - independent of her and of what she may be doing..

I hope you will get to that place, because it is freeing and because there is much life to be lived outside of your current marital situation...

You may also want to have a look at the drama triangle and think about roles we 'fall' into. I remember finding that really helpful too.