I'm really trying to convince myself to let her go once and for all. This is the 3rd time she's left it's usually when we are looking to take the next step in our relationship that we will have some sort of disgreement and then she will drop the bomb.
I have to have blind faith that I will heal from this and learn alot about myself.
I don't ever want to go through this again, I'm sure it's taken years off my life.
I also don't want to become so jaded that I never try again with anyone else.
As for how I'm feeling right now, I'm done. I dont want W back. I was living in a fantasy world and idealizing her and creating this image of her in my mind that did not accurately reflect who she really was or what she really believed in.
I also know that this is a roller coaster, and my thoughts and feelings with flip flop back and forth.
I feel my anger building and I want to call her out on her BS. With some distance, I'm starting to see it wasn't all my fault. And she is more than happy to place all the blame on me and publicly announce it. I won't resort to doing that. As much as I want to defend myself, I'm not going to. This is a 180 for me and I'm not doing it to get W back. I'm doing this to prove to myself that I can rise above this without reacting to my thoughts and emotions.
I'm hoping today is the beginning of a new journey for me. I have no idea what to expect as I feel like I'm floundering in a giant sea of uncertainty. But I'm bound and determined to stand up and find out who I really am. I'm tired of the fear and I'm tired of not believing in myself.
