First I wanted to speak to my question for discussion. I just want to reiterate that CHEATING IS ALWAYS WRONG. I'm not trying to make an excuse for it at all. It's just like it is the worst possible thing to do and every other wrong doing by the spouse who was cheated on seems to be undone. But I believe there are thing in an M you can do that are just as bad as cheating. Again, that's my personal opinion, and I was wondering how other people felt about that.
In the matter of addiction and mental illness? Well, the prime example is my parents. My mother was an addict with mental illness. They were married almost 25 years before my dad left. he waited for me to grow up. My mother neglected the family. She traded her drug addiction for a gambling addiction. My dad and I tried sooooooo hard to get her to be a part of our lives. My parents never slept in the same bed. My mother hated everyone else she was getting her atlantic city trip almost weekly. She went to Bingo every night. She wanted nothing to do with us really. I do not blame my dad for leaving. I lived what he lived except as a daughter rather than a husband. What do I blame my dad for? He did cheat. He didn't leave first. He will always be wrong in that. But for leaving the M? I can't blame him at all. I know exactly what he was going through and it was very very painful. And lord did he try. As did I.
So what SHOULD the divorce rate percentage be? Well, I guess zero would be great. If the addiction rate was 0%, if the mental illness rate was 0%. If the childhood trauma rate is 0%. Then divorce rate should be 0%. If both partner make an active effort to love each other, 0%.
You are one of my favorite posters-probably because you seem super authentic. That's a rarity nowadays. I certainly am not a relationship guru, but just a friendly piece of advice...slow down. It's so new and people have a tendency to be rather impulsive or rash when they have that chemical rush.
I do understand your hesitation regarding the familial sitch. My guy has invited me to meet his family a number of times (I've met his niece and super famous BIL) and while I would like to go (it's a couple of hours away), the times he has asked would literally mean my entire weekend is gone. That may sound selfish of me, however, I have my people about 90% of the time. And I have other caca going (I'll elaborate on my own thread) so my *free* time is precious. Hopefully, I can go on this next visit.
Relax. Let things play out. They always do:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
UR,hi my friend. I love reading your posts to me, I love taking to you, You get me like no other, lol.
A lot of what you said is what my IC told me. We both had feelings and both were very valid. And we respected eachothers validity. And yes, I was hurt even if it wasn't meant in the wrong way. I struggle so much with my feelings not being valid. Like I must be wrong for feeling the way I do. I want to change that badly. I am trying so hard to relax and enjoy the ride...
But I am having a really hard time all of a sudden and I don't know why. I wait for people to leave me. I know my worth, yet, in the back of my head I say "I wasn't good enough for my mother to stick around, I wasn't good enough for my husband to stick and round, and I haven't been good enough for anyone I have dated since to stick around. And it does haunt me. It gives me anxiety. I feel like if I don't do everything perfect it's all going to disappear.
My brain knows one thing and my heart knows another. I am trying to just relax. I'm afraid I might never be able to again.
Right now he is being kind of standoffish again. And when I stay standoffish, he is still present, just a little pissy. And I directly correlate this to when he gets over stressed about work. I am learning him. So I give him support and space. ANd I have to push away the feelings that it is not me.
So yeah, I don't really have it together. I'll learn. But I feel as if I may never feel secure again. ANd it's not for lack of anything he is doing. Yeah, our honeymoon phase is over. We are entering the comfort phase.
Sigh..... I can do this. I can't wait to see you again!
Ginger, I so totally understand and relate with how hard it is for your heart to do what your brain knows is correct. I know you know you need to slow down. You're not even fighting that point, and that's good, but you still don't know "how". It just struck me as so sad that you think the "honeymoon" phase is over! Has it even been two months yet? Certainly not 10 weeks. Part of rushing and not slowing down is that you could rush through those early times. C'mon you have to know that for most couples it's the first 6 to 12 months for the honeymoon phase - not a couple months! When I think of all the people in my life dated for two or three months - for sure not recently, but over my lifetime. You are still very new into this. I so wish you could just slow down and enjoy it.
And then,I'm not sure how much stock I put in this phrase but have you heard that "what we fear we create?" You could be doing that with constantly thinking that the other shoe is sure to drop and that your feelings are wrong. I will tell you that the very best gift than MWD gave me in DR was the fact that I am right. That was a huge one for me as I often think I'm right and as time passes I'm proven correct. Therefore it was so difficult for me to believe that what I thought, felt, wanted, etc., was not correct. I really believed I was correct - I was right. Well the good part it, I very often am right - but perhaps only for me! I get to still be right but not for everyone else, just for me. What you feel and want is okay and right. It really is. Not everyone will fit into it for you but it's not wrong to want what you want. Your partner may just not be the right fit.
I hope that helps. Please go back to enjoying this BRAND NEW romance. What is going to happen is going to happen. You can't change it. Just be you and if FF is truly the right fit for you it will work out. If he's not then he's not but at least enjoy the time you are having.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Don makes some good points here. It concerns me that FF seems to be taking you for granted and not concerned about how his moods might effect you and the relationship. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells around him because of his moods...he should be thinking about how his moods effect you and taking proper care. It's not your job! The honeymoon period is usually much longer than a couple of months. You do deserve someone who puts YOU first...for longer than a few weeks! Maybe these anxieties you're feeling about the other shoe dropping is because you're picking up on things you don't like here...or maybe it's just your past experience...or maybe both. These of course, are just thoughts off the top of my head and I throw them out for you to ponder. Take 'em or leave 'em
Georgia! Thanks for dropping by! And thanks for the compliment. Lying to myself is how I got into my mess of a marriage, so authenticity is the only way I have to go. I have always been authentic to others, but not my so much myself. I have so many fears, my heart and mind and past experiences confuse the crap out of me. I may be doing everything wrong....... But I am so tired of trying to do everything so right, which usuall blows up in my face!
Don and Wii,
When I say the honeymoon phase is over, I just mean the "wooing" is gone. No matter how stressed he is, I get my good morning text, he stays in touch, we still go on dates, we are affectionate, so on and so forth. He was over the top lovey dovey which I guess I got used to but is gone now. This Sunday I knew he had lots to do, but he took the time out to go on a mini hike with D9 and I and grab some lunch. He was supposed to come over last night but he didn't make it because something big happened wit his work he had to fix. When he gets caught up in his stress he is not neglectful, but maybe more emotionally distant than he usually is which I think is my personal trigger. I get his energies have to be elsewhere, but I don't like the way it feels. I basically told him this morning to do what he has to do this week and I'll see him when I see him. His answer was more of "alright, thank you, and he was with this worker an dhad to go" I hate it, but I get it. We went through this a few weeks back. So I am going to give space.
He is attentive in ways that are different than others have been. He is always in touch, he always confides in me, he calls me often when I can't actually see him. He will always say good morning and good night.
WII, I am trying to distinguish if my anxieties are mine or if they are because I am picking up on things I don't like here. But I am not going to like everything. I am learning how to navigate what makes me feel uncomfortable.
Ive' got to say wii, we both approach relationships in the same way. We are very much alike. We have pretty similar feelings. You seemed to know exactly what is going through my head right now.
My point is that you shouldn't just dismiss your feelings as "it's just me" or "it's my past". It may be but it may not be. In my last R, many moons ago, I used to dismiss things and make excuses for her...she was good to me in some ways (and I always played those up in my head) but those things I dismissed became big issues later on. Her stress and tiredness always dominated the relationship...it became all about her and not about me and I allowed that to happen. That's my bad. Now with you, if the wooing is over in just two months and you're both acting like an old married couple...um, think about it. Of course, all I know is what I read on these posts and there's lots more to it than that...so again, take it or leave it.
