Cheating wife wants to leave marriage

[sandi2]

Both of us got tested after I found out. Both came up clean. And our sex life was suffering in 2016. Mostly due to her nonstop periods throughout the year. They would stop for a day or two and pick up again. It was like this up to a few days prior to going on the cruise.

Very smart in getting tested, and I'm sure you are relieved at the results.

What are the ages of you and your W? Has her doctor given her an answer for why her periods are nearly nonstop?

As for previous A. She admitted when I found out about the OM that she kissed a childhood friend back in during a visit to our home city. This guy has a W and apparently asked and she said yes. It happened at a bar she was with her cousin at and the moment the cousin went the bathroom this guy made the request. W said it was insignificant, so she kept it to herself. Then other one was a week after the cruise. Again while visiting our home city, another childhood who had a crush on her who she turned down back in the day. He invited W to his house, which I had no clue about because she had went to her uncles house to visit. But then left to see this guy(she left that out when I asked how her uncles was doing initially). I found messages with a friend of hers about meeting up with this guy. From the message no sex clearly happened. And when I confronted W, she claimed he asked for a kiss. In her words "she didn't say yes, but didn't say no either." So he kissed her and when he tried to do it a second time, she pulled away. Then left back to her uncles house. To be honest, I believe something more may have happened. But without proof, I let it go.

These events happened in a time span fairly close? I realize this has to be extremely painful for you. Has your W always had a flirty personality when around other men? I mean, like trying to get their attention? In the past, did you ever have arguments over her behavior when around other men?

I will pass along what Starsky/Puppy Dog Tails (who had a WW, and saved his M) use to tell LBH's. A WW will usually confess at least one level lower than the true facts. In other words, if she says they only kissed, it probably means it was more than just one little kiss and that's all. We've seen stories where a WW will tell her H that she spent the night with OM in a motel room....but didn't have sex. The best one I've read is where the WW claims she stopped in the middle of having intercourse b/c her guilty conscious bothered her. And of course, the H said he "chose" to believe her. WW's seldom feel a lot of guilt during the affair, b/c they justify their actions. Anyway, you can take all of that for whatever you think it's worth.

I think your W is in serious trouble, but she can turn around and commit to doing whatever is necessary to save her MR. It will take a strong man who will not tolerate any more of her inappropriate behavior with other men. By strong, I mean he has to set clear boundaries and if they are dishonored, he has to be prepared to backup his word. She will, no doubt, test you. I strongly believe in boundaries being necessary when having a wayward wife. This is a component in DBing a W who is wayward. When I see someone in this type of inappropriate behavior (especially one act following another same act) I have to wonder if she's ever had deal with consequences of dishonoring someone's boundaries.

Does your W have a sense of entitlement? Does she act as if she's a little spoiled girl when she doesn't get her way? Do you often feel manipulated, but you go along with her, trying to keep the peace? Some H's just don't think it's worth the fallout, so they suck it up and don't make waves. However, a WW sees him being passive and weak.....b/c he won't stand up for himself, and pretty much allows her to rule his everyday life.

We both saw a lawyer in December, but no moves have been made by either of us. For someone who wants to leave W has made no moves whatsoever to save money or anything for an apartment. And technically hasn't even mentioned getting an apartment in about a month.

I don't think she wants a divorce......not right now, anyway. If she is conducting inappropriate behavior and bouncing from man to man while getting all the benefits of being married to you......why would she throw it away? She threatened, and now it has rocked on this long without her being required to make changes in her life.....so, I'm thinking she feels pretty secure. And, I think she will continue talking online to men or flirting in person, taking more risks. She gets a "high" from it, and that's what draws her. So, all of this seems to be working for her. It's not working for you, however, and you have to do more than have relationship talks.

Right now its if she is waiting to see how things go with me at the moment. DR suggests not bringing up the R, so I just stay quiet, until W brings it up.

Setting boundaries about what you will do if she continues to disrespect you, is not having a relationship talk. If you have read my posts to Pew, then you'll see how I explained it to him. I agree it is pointless to have a R talk. Yet, you can't just sit back and do nothing. In other words, you don't need to talk you way out of this, you need to use action.

Figured I could carry on this way for the next 2 or 3 months before pushing for W to decide to leave or stay.

First of all, why on earth would you do that ^^^^^^to yourself? Secondly, if you apply boundaries and start showing some spunk....you won't be pushing her to decide anything, b/c you make it about YOU, not her.

Your mindset is not at all unusual for a newcomer. However, you are thinking to yourself that "she" will make the right decisions and start working on the MR when she's had enough time. At best, the WW will stay legally M, but she won't put forth effort to make the MR a happy one, nor an intimate one. She has to be motivated by what she sees in you.

She has to see that you are a man, not some wuss she can kick around. What has she seen in you, so far? Is she concerned she is losing you due to her bad behavior? Her waiting around to see what you do.....is not her worrying that you will leave her. The longer you quietly sit around, the less chance she will give it a second thought.

Having said all of that, let me clarify something. I don't want you to jump off into something before you learn what to do and how to go about it. Okay?

It bothers me for a H to take & take his WW's treatment......but instead of him doing what he needs to do, he will give up and see divorce as his only option. It's not, and that's why I would like to help you, if I can. I can't guarantee it will save your M, but neither can anyone else.