I'm pretty sure I really did just say it to hurt her.
I only told her because I was hurting. I didn't plan to. I actually planned NOT to. Forget any legal issue (lawyers appear to be split on this issue), I really didn't want to rub it in her face or hurt her. I didn't plan to have yesterday happen the way it did. I'd take it back if I could.
My want here isn't to be a duck. It isn't to be vengeful or selfish. My want here is to be happy. To have something for me.
For twenty years I've been taking care of people. I haven't wanted jack. I haven't asked for jack. The last time I remember WANTING something FOR ME was Christmas 2008 or so. First W spent more than what I wanted for me, and got me a bunch of stuff I didn't want or need and a gift card. The cynic in me believed that she wanted me to give most of it to her. How she acted when I used the gift card reinforced that. I haven't asked for anything since then.
I want this for me. I want to look into the eyes of a woman and see her looking back at a man, not look into the eyes of someone who I would've stopped a bullet for and see nothing but anger, pain, disgust, and contempt.
I want my feelings validated. That I AM worth something. That I DO have merit as something other than a father. I believe these things, but I want someone else to believe them too. And I don't want to just have those feelings validated with words. I want to have them validated by SEEING it. In a few months, when I'm ready, and I find the right person, I want to have them validated in a more primal way.
I don't know any way to start down that path other than this one.
